Have you ever had to deal with jealousy? Its an ugly and soul stealing creature. I’ve run into some really hateful jealousy as of late. I’m not going to get too into it because it’s a sibling that has attached herself to being crazily jealous of me. And… I don’t really know why. I realize she has mental health issues. That’s all I can conclude as to why this began – this jealous hatred of me for my existence. But its gotten to the absurd.
(From here on only cute animal pics because it will make us all happier.)
Sigh, I didn’t want to write about this. Its made me feel very sad and down, and so I’m going to vent a little.
I also think that it does effect other people who might feel akin to having someone hate you for simply existing in the world.
I mean, for existing in the world and seeming blessed when their life seems cursed for suffering. After this small bit of summary I’ll place my poem, Some Blessed, Some Be Cursed. It made me think of this poem after sitting back and considering what was going on recently in my life.
I don’t think I’ve ever really felt jealousy for another. Perhaps a little envious of another’s lot in life. Like, why does she get that cute and sweet wife and I’m stuck here alone? That kind of sucks. But it quickly dissipates as a passing thought. I don’t seethe over night with such thoughts.
Never to the point I’m like, “Damn, how’d that bitch get so lucky? I want her to die. I hate her so much. She ain’t that pretty. What’s with that? I hope she dies and loses everything I hate her so much!”
And then steaming over it for days that turn to months of hatred just growing. It’s really unhealthy.
Hatred is a cloak that is much too heavy for anyone to wear.
It’s like a really greasy meal that sticks in your gut and stops your heart. I mean, that kind of hatred ain’t worth the stress, ya know? It’s pretty debilitating.
I can just live “my” life, ya know? I can’t live someone else’s life. And so, I need to walk my path. I need to be happy with what little blessings I have. I have to be thankful for only what I have.
The thing is, I have about five boxes worth of belongings. Everything I own can be fit into the trunk of a car. And I’m actually happy with that in regard to “things.” I’ve lived a minimalist life for maybe 10 years now. Some say I live like a monk. I like monks. I, however, prefer a pair of jeans to a long brown/orange robe.
Now in regard to friends and family? That is a worthy thing to have and hold. I’m blessed with my son who has always had my back and actually likes hanging out with me. I’m kind of a cool mom, I think. I’m blessed with a daughter that I’m so proud of in how she lives a life for herself and those she loves. I love my kids.
I recently moved to the White Mountains of Arizona. I’ve never really lived in such a small town like this mountain town. Its very beautiful. It’s like I’m on a camping vacation every day. It’s kind of cool. And after having left home at age 17 I’m back and hanging out with my mom. It’s wild that as I’m about to turn 60 I’m finally really meeting my mom again. And my son, is finally meeting his grandmother. Last time he saw her he was around eight-years-old.
My mom retired here in her little house with her two dogs and three cats. She’s very active and spry and is a pretty cool human being.
She asked me and my son to come and stay while I start my life over after having lost everything. I think I posted a poem about that a while back.
Anyhoo, while here I ran into my sibling I never really talked to very much through the years. We simply had very different lives on two ends of the world. I lived in Texas and she lived in California and now Arizona – like me. She has always lived near my mom or with my mom.
Well, not to get too into the details but she has suddenly begun to really hate my guts because I’ve been hanging out with my mom and staying at mom’s place while getting caught up on paying off debt and looking for a place. I sold everything, including my car, to get caught up and she’s letting me stay for six months.
Well, my sister wanted me out after a month and its making her a little crazy that I’m still at “her” mother’s house. I really am thrown for a loop. She and her fiancée even drove with my mom to a lawyer to make sure she was the only one on the will to get everything just in case I tried to steal what she felt was hers. I’m actually cool with that, despite feeling a bit of a sting that my two children, her first grandchildren, get nothing.
But that is life, isn’t it? We can only walk our own path.
And so, I wrote this poem. I’m not really sure what else to say. Please pray I get this job locally and can find a place to live on my own. I’m sure I can. It’s not like I haven’t been living on my own before, right? 🙂
Some Blessed, Some Be Cursed (from my Intermission Poetry)
Life left in the hand of gods
Gives blessings and leaves others out
Equations add up and then take away
The fates have drawn all the di
When we look down at the outcome
We wonder why
Some are chosen
And others chosen…
With tear-filled eyes
We wanted what was best
What we found
What was worst
And sorry to say
I’ve been awfully blessed
Despite you being awfully cursed
Walk down the pavement
Pat down the cement hard
Curse those gods
Sent forth the flood
Fought through mire and blood
To secure simply one simple life
In spite of gods of strife
I truly didn’t want this to happen
Only joy and goodness were what I desired
My blessings became hammers upon your head
Upon your life
You paced back and forth
Each step so clearly pierced
My sleep and my slumber
I’m sorry but could not dial the number
Of gods and fates
Telling them this truth
That you are more than worth
A blessing and not a curse
They hung up the line
Of prayers I’d made
And so, I pled on bended knee
Please forgive me for being me
For gods give life then leave you in the dust
To fend off the elements with each and every breath
Thank you so much for those who read my blog. I appreciate your comments and the fact you read my little bit.
Here’s a really good song:
I hope you find what you are seeking and searching for and find love.
Thank you Gracie! 🙂 ❤