30 Days, A Goal, and Joshua

I’ve reached my goal for 2020. I now have 100 followers on my blog. It took 30 days into 2021 to reach that goal, but that’s okay. Sometimes, our goals take a little more time than we expected.

This leads me to my blog. I will get incredibly real with this post. Wait, I don’t want to say such a trite line like “real.” I’m actually going to get incredibly truthful.

My son Joshua, a.k.a. Yeshua

I wanted to write about something I tweeted regarding my son. I was a big fan of Hans Denck at one time, and many times my son reminds me of Hans. I also see Fyodor Dostoevsky (but don’t tell him that).

My son was born a boy despite being female inside. Because he’s struggled with this woman that he is, he faced a lot of depression and sadness, on top of his other mental illness and physical hardship. He has extremely bad OCD, Tourette’s Syndrome, SAD, depression, anxiety, and kidney problems and scoliosis.

My philosopher son who loves nature and animals

He truly hates his body. When he looks in the mirror he is disillusioned that there is a male with short hair and facial hair.

Obviously, I see this handsome and beautiful man. I also see this lovely young girl. When he cooks or does things for me, he moves much more delicately than I do. I’m a bit of an ox in a music store. He’s very effeminate. Now, mind you, he dreams of being with a girl that he saw in a dream.

(I actually dreamed of my ex before marrying him, so I can’t squash his dreams. He saw her clear as day in his dream.)

He was hiding for over 7 years in his room – a shut-in. He was just sadness. I can honestly say when I looked at him it made me cry. I couldn’t do anything to change him, or heal him, or make him better.

Depression is always sneaking up

I love my son. I couldn’t even love him enough. That’s what I thought.

I was told to put him away. Just take him to an institution and leave him there. He was ruining my life, I was told. I could be free of him. He’s an adult. But I knew my kind and wise son was still there. He just needed time to heal and I could wait.

He had multiple bad experiences with psychologists and psychiatrists while growing up, and so has zero trust that they can help. His medication gave him psychosis and brought him near madness. Nothing seemed to work for him, and when I took him to a psychologist 3 years ago, that supposedly was an expert in OCD, she read him a pamphlet after he poured out his heart for 30 minutes about why he hadn’t showered for four years after losing his beloved dog, Jake.

He was a shut-in and told her how he lost his three dogs, one year after another in a row and how it broke him inside. When he lost his dog, Jake, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

She read him her pamphlet verbatim on “What is OCD and How to Treat.” I honestly don’t think she knew much about OCD and for some reason wrote on her site she had expertise in treating OCD. She only validated he had OCD and was going through an episode, but her advice was reading the pamphlet.

Mental illness is very lonely

I walked in after the session and she pulled out a device and asked how I’d be paying. She didn’t even look at him or even give a kind word. She only told me how much she charged and wanted payment. She had to close soon.

Why I’m writing is because something suddenly changed last month. I know OCD episodes can last a while. I knew he was having an extremely bad episode. He was extremely suicidal. Around a month ago he had lost so much weight and he told me, “I’m dying.” And when I felt his hands they were ice cold.

It was as if I saw his soul actually depart his body. And after all those years of him telling me he just wanted to die, he told me, “I don’t want to die.”

I told him we should go to a hospital, but he didn’t want to leave. He asked if I would pray with him. We hadn’t prayed for years.

Sunsets are beautiful in winter

So, I prayed while holding his icy cold hands. I still wanted to get him to a hospital, but he told me he was an adult and it was his life. He just wanted to rest.

He finally slept and I finally fell asleep, and the next day went on like any other. But something seemed like it was changing.

Within about a week something had changed inside him. He wanted to shower and clean his room. He started to want to go on walks. He wanted to cook me breakfast. He said he had a goal in life. He was going to meet his soul mate. He dreamed of her, and so now she just had to find him. He will keep getting better until he meets her. He actually dreamed he’d meet her while walking through a store.

Now, I know this seems crazy and weird. But then my life has been crazy and weird. My daughter was at the end of her life when she met her soul mate while playing the Grim Reaper in a music video.

My daughter and her soul mate, Michael (together over 10 years now) They met while he was the bass player and she the actress on a music video.

Like I said, I actually dreamed of my now ex before meeting him and marrying him. If I hadn’t married him I wouldn’t have my two kids that I love more than anything. I have had several dreams/visions before they came true.

Some might think its the fact psychics run in my family. Or, that I come from a line of shamans. My sister is an actual psychic who reads for people in another state. I don’t know. All seems hokey, right?

Ducks like this Photo by Aidan Jarrett on Pexels.com

And then this happened at the park we were at:

There is a lady who came to the park and fed the ducks. She was very aged. Joshua saw her last week and told me not to drive away. He watched the elderly lady leave the park and climb into her car. He just stared at her and then he smiled and said, “She has hundreds of arms wrapped around and hugging her, like children, and she is very loved.” He was so reposed when he spoke. “She is a very special person. It’s nice to see someone so loved.”

Today (where those pics were taken) we went to the park and the elderly woman was there again. I ventured to ask her how often she feeds the ducks.

That’s when she told us a story of how she took her disabled daughter to the park every day, and how they live by a pond where her daughter always fed the ducks. After her daughter died five years prior she started feeding the ducks. And now the ducks go to the pond by her home and they fill it up while she feeds them, and she goes to the park and every duck there knows her and they swarm to be fed by the lady.

She said she truly loves the ducks and they make her feel close to her daughter. The ducks even allow her to be with their ducklings and she stated how at one time she had like 40 little ducklings standing beside her and sitting on her shoes. The mother ducks trusted her. They are like her children.

Beautiful souls

She has such a sweet spirit.

But after speaking to her I could see why Joshua saw all the arms gathered around her because she’s known as the lady who cares for the ducks. He knew before she told us her story.

When we left he called her “The Godmother of the Ducks.”

You know, Joshua is getting better. I’m thankful for that, but I know this is not an easy climb. Mental illness is very difficult. OCD can be maintained. He takes CBD oil and he wants to walk and help himself in a natural way with diet and exercise and we watch Hololive together. Hololive really helped his sadness.

He had to come to this conclusion himself as an adult. I can’t live his life for him and I certainly can’t just try to get him locked up so that he can be someone else’s problem. I am very patient. Life is much more than what we see here and now.

A beautiful day is ahead

Joshua knows he doesn’t have to be crippled by his mental illness. OCD can be maintained and he understands it is constant vigilance, but he has an insane amount of will power and strength. It’s nice to see him moving forward. I will be with him until he’s able to stand on his own.

I hope you all find what you seek and search for and let’s hope for a better year and a better tomorrow.

Love you Gracie! πŸ™‚ ❀ Thank you

2 thoughts on “30 Days, A Goal, and Joshua

  1. Congrats on hitting 100!!!
    I’m so happy to hear about Johann and I pray he will keep moving forward. It requires strength and courage from both of you.

    He just stared at her and then he smiled and said, β€œShe has hundreds of arms wrapped around and hugging her, like children, and she is very loved.”

    This gave me goosebumps. It’s beautiful.

    Thank you so much for sharing Val πŸ™‚

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