I really had to consider if I would breach this subject: fanfiction.
I bet you all did not expect that.
Did you know Master of the Universe, a.k.a. Fifty Shades of Grey, started out as a very popular fanfiction? Mr. Christian (get how they came up with that name?) Grey was… dah dah dah, Edward “sparkle peen” Cullen? He dated little milquetoast and mousy Anastasia, or Bella Swan as most can see if you read any of Stephanie Meyer’s books.
There was the blonde, Rosalie (Kate), and then the friendly, Alice (Mia). The evil guy was the evil vampire James (Jack Hyde, haha). Basically, it was obviously a Bella/Edward fanfic.
I remember “trying” to read Master of the Universe up to about 3 to 5 chapters when at the time it was one of the most popular fanfics on the site. I later attempted to make it to Chapter 10, but couldn’t handle it because I didn’t enjoy revamped… Bella/Edward fanfics. I gravitated toward the Bella/Alice and Bella/Leah or Rosalie/Leah – which were some of the best, lesbian love story fanfics. Red flag #1.
Master of the Universe was one of the most popular and I wondered why I didn’t enjoy it if its so popular? Maybe I have strange tastes? I just didn’t get the attraction to this very poorly written fanfic that had a boring plot, in my opinion. It was excruciatingly bad. It just wasn’t very good writing, and many critics agree with me regarding Fifty Shades of Grey (the same book, by the way). Obviously, I had very different tastes.
I actually enjoyed the lesbian love stories written by Lipsmacked (her pseudonym). Red Flag #2. She is now a popular romance novelist in California (I think she still lives there, but she might have moved) and she’s an extremely talented writer named Rebekah Weatherspoon. (I wonder if I get compensated endorsing her?)
Anyway, I read a few other Bella/Edward fanfics to see if I would “get” them, and found them over the top soapy and dumb, and mostly not very well-written. But many fanfic writers were honestly bad, but others very good and talented writers; the above mentioned, one of those very talented writers.
Now, because writing is subjective, maybe I just didn’t enjoy the pairing or something. I’m not sure.
But they were so popular on the site. Why were certain poorly written stories so popular and yet so corny and ridiculous? Was I just jealous of the popularity? I honestly thought they used a lot of purple prose. Maybe I didn’t understand writing.
Around 2010 or so, give or take some years around that date, Twilight fanfiction was having its heyday because old ladies liked to read about sex, or what was commonly called, “mom porn.”
Erotica. Slash. Femslash. BDSM. It was all there and it was all popular on a fanfiction site. BDSM stories were flying out of people’s keyboards right and left. So much so, they started getting a lot of complaints by none other than, the furry community.
Yes, the Sonic fanfic furries started going after Twilight fanfiction writers, reporting their stories, and getting them banned. They also went after the Harry Potter section, but mostly were after the Twilight people because they wrote A LOT of fanfiction.
A LOT. Ah, those crazy Twilight fans.
Pretty soon one story after another was getting pulled off the fanfiction dot site, including Master of the Universe, a.k.a. Fifty Shades of Grey.
So, with all those bannings came a group of women in Australia (possibly New Zealand too) that opened a little online coffee shop of writers,
The Writer’s Coffee Shop (TWCS).
For free, all those banned authors could go there and place their dirty little fanfics and original erotica, love stories, and over the top romance novels. It became very popular. Original romance novels were being written right and left. It was a safe haven for both good and bad future novelists. Members mushroomed overnight.
That place then published the more popular stories and are no longer a free website. They are a real publishing house, and I think they publish romance, erotica, slasher and BDSM stuff (but don’t quote me on this). It’s a closed off little publishing house that no longer accepts new writers. They got very popular publishing Fifty Shades of Grey and went off into the sunset counting all their money. Good for them, and I mean that.
Why did I tell you all of that?
During that time, around 2007 to 2010, I was a crackfic writer on fanfiction dot net. I wrote some stories that were kind of popular, but nowhere near as popular as the BDSM and erotica stories.
My outlet (now this is very important) when life is difficult is to write, and many times its to write little humor or comical pieces. Or, I play music and write songs. I have a creative outlet.
At fanfic dot net, I also wrote other stories that had mild popularity and it was nice writing a novel from start to finish, get an instant review, get good critique, and people actually comment on how much they enjoy a story. My only qualm was, I was using someone else’s developed characters and placing them in my original stories. I wanted my own characters in my own stories.
During the year 2003 to 2007, in between being a mom and home schooling my kids, I wrote a novel titled, Monkey in the Window. It was a YA literary novel about a girl in an abusive home that moves next door to a boy with TS. His vocal tics made her think the new neighbors next door owned a monkey, thus the name of the novel. It was a coming of age kind of novel. I thought it was a good novel, but apparently everyone I sent it to did not.
After the 20th rejection letter I threw the book away and decided maybe it wasn’t that good.
This is Where Fanfiction Entered, and Twilight Made me Gay
No Twilight didn’t but….
I had just thrown the fourth book of Twilight off my loft and could not believe, “THIS” is what sold books. I write a literary masterpiece and Twilight is a million seller?!
No, I honestly didn’t think I wrote a masterpiece, but it did make me ponder my ability as a writer.
I could understand the first three Twilight books because I read them really quickly and they engaged me as a reader, and I actually enjoyed them. I think Stephanie Meyers did a good job with the first three books.
But the fourth book?
It was so, so, so excruciatingly bad. They published this thing? The writing wasn’t cohesive, the characters changed personalities, and it just was a poorly conceived book. It made no sense. Plot holes were gigantic and glaring and swallowing everything that was enjoyable in the first three books. Gone. It destroyed it all. And it was just not enjoyable like the first three… at all.
Now, I’m not saying I am a better writer than the Twilight author, but I think I am comparable to some degree; especially, after that fourth book.
My book just lacked vampires. That was it! I needed to write about vampires that sparkle. Who knew?
Okay, so I went a little off the deep end and went to fanfiction dot net and started out with a parody of Twilight. I then wrote a more serious Blackwater piece called, An Unlikely Pair, which was – now that I think about it – kind of like a Leah/Rosalie pairing. Red Flag #3.
I then wrote a silly little story about my favorite character Leah, titled, Leah’s Last Stop. It was zany. It was crazy. It was a mix of crackfic and just plain dumb and silly, and I made fun of the entire Twilight crew in it. I ended up finding one of my best of friends by writing that story because she loved it so much. I had a lot of fun writing it. It now has thousands of views and it’s still there (not promoting you all run over and read it, because it was not written well).
But all that other stuff I wrote is leading up to this: I decided to write an insane BDSM thriller, femslash, totally wild erotica story because I saw all these other ones were so popular. I wanted to write something so weird, bad and horrible to see if because it was BDSM and erotica if people would read it.
Overnight that one little over-the-top chapter I wrote on a whim was the most viewed and reviewed story I’d ever written.
Who knew? Porn sells, by golly.
So, I laughed and wrote two more chapters… that were even wilder and crazier.
And I got even MORE views and reviews. It was a hit – by my standards. It wasn’t as big as a Bella/Edward erotica, but it was big for my palsy little site.
It was a Leah/Bella fanfic romance/thriller and by the time I finished the 40-something final chapter it had become VERY popular. Throughout the process I realized, I loved writing lesbian love stories. Red Flag #4?
During writing it, I also wrote other Twilight lesbian love stories. I befriended other writers of lesbian romance, and was waking up to why I loved these type of stories so much.
While reading, writing, and hanging out for a few years on that site, the friends I made, the people I chatted with, and the online presence that sent me on a search for something I had to finally question: Why did I only get turned on by female/female love stories and male/female relationships did nothing for me?
Red Flag #5
From there, I decided to search Christian and Gay sites. There were quite a few. Two actually stuck out for me and one was for women in hiding in the church (had thousands of members and visitors)
and another was led by an outspoken gay man who has done a lot for the cause of being gay in the church. I then looked into a story in Christianity Today about a singer I LOVED named Jennifer Knapp. She was one of the pioneers in Christian music that came out of the closet. Again, her story was so relatable.
I befriended more and more women who had thoughts and feelings just like me.
By the way, all of this was happening around 2010. Around 10 years ago.
Pretty soon, the more I read the more I realized I had been hiding. I had been hiding a very long time. From my first crush in kindergarten to Yoko, to my crush on K who witnessed to me, to my crush with a lesbian woman, C, that I was trying to save during my college (cult) years on campuses, but in reality, I just loved being around her so much but wouldn’t admit it.
I began to take notice of my own feelings and why I was feeling the way I was my entire marriage.
I realized why when I had dreams that were romantic the main characters were me… and a woman. I never dreamed about my husband. I just prayed more and more to stop being so gay.
I was always writing novels about two women who are “really” close. That should have also been a signal.
The Year is 2009
That lesbian BDSM romance novel, I’ll call it Pet, I had written as a joke, but turned into something more was on my computer, as well as, a few others I started writing because I was getting more and more readers.
My ex was looking through my emails, my instant messages and all my writing one night. He found my conversations with other lesbians and sites I had visited. He found out I was talking about divorcing him at the beginning of the next year. He found out a lot of stuff I was doing behind his back as I tried to find out about myself.
He wanted to figure out what my problem was and why I was so distant. I had taken on a little job in retail for a few months at the end of 2009 and was trying to save up money and get back into working because I had decided – once I figured all of this out – that I would divorce my husband once the kids graduated high school. I would need a job once I divorced because I had spent over 20 years as a homemaker and home school mom.
I knew the only option was divorce, once I realized why I was the way I was. I just didn’t love my husband the way he wanted me to love him, and frankly, I was feeling much more free about the person I truly was deep inside. It was an overwhelmingly joyful feeling deep inside. I felt… real.
It would be better for him, since I couldn’t fulfill him in any way that he wanted, and it was better for me, because I just didn’t have mutual feelings for him as a mate. I liked the comfortability of his income and our livelihood, but that was just wrong. That’s not a good reason to stay married.
He knew something was different. In retrospect, I should have let him know what I was thinking, but I was so embarrassed that I had come to the conclusion, I’m gay. My ex and I were never best friends, and what attracted me to him originally was my own desire for a father figure because of my own childhood. He was so much like my dad.
I never felt myself around him. In fact, I never shared my original music with him or my writing at any time. Despite this being such a big part of me, it was always just a hobby I kept hidden because I knew he really didn’t care that much for the arts or music. Even at church, I loved the worship part and singing, and he hated it. He just didn’t like music that much.
My children, like me, are both artists, musicians and writers. They are both very creative.
When I finished that Monkey novel I tried to get published, he never read it and I didn’t want him to read it because we were just that distant.
I realized I had been hiding my whole life. I was simply born the way I am. And I was okay with it. God was okay with it.
God is Okay with Me being Me
That was what my searching had done: It let me know God was okay with me being gay. In fact, God didn’t give a shit about it. That’s what I realized after all those years of study. So what? Gay people are just gay, and so what? The world still revolves and there is no destruction because there are gay people. Human beings are all different and yet the same.
Even my kids were okay with it, and my son was the first one to tell me he was happy I was being honest with myself. You see, my son was always very spiritual and very in touch in more of a Jesus way than I had ever been. He knew the most important teaching is that you “know yourself” and are honest to the person you are. People love to live their lives in lies all the time, instead of just being honest.
When I told my big sister she said, “It’s about time. We always thought you were gay.”
Even my dad knew I was gay and told me he was happy I was finally being honest.
I didn’t realize I was so… gay. I knew I was always a bit masculine and growing up a tomboy, but that doesn’t mean your gay. Lots of tomboys are very heterosexual.
But it was like when I came out everybody told me, “it’s about time.”
The only person who didn’t see it or figure it out was my ex and he was just… pissed.
While I was at work stocking overnight at my job, he went onto my computer and looked at every single thing I had written and I disgusted him. I had fallen the way of Satan or something. He took me to see a quack Christian psychologist who I reamed for his false information on the evilness of the LGBTQ community and the gay agenda, and generally stupid and misinformed silliness that all extremist right wingers spout, and I walked out. I told him I am not going to go through some therapy to tell me a lie. They wanted to make me straight and happily married, and happily heterosexual. They thought I could be reprogrammed.
My ex was so angry and his entire countenance changed into a person I had never seen before. He actually “hated” me.
He was already pretty homophobic, but now he just hated gay people in a whole new way because I had joined the ranks of homosexuality.
He ended up filing for divorce and he told me I had to change my name because he did not want his name associated with a person like me. He moved further and further to the right of the spectrum and joined a very anti-gay church. The one we had been members of was not outspokenly anti-gay, but now he went to a Southern Baptist church that everyone ate Chik-Fil-A to prove their allegiance to Jesus and hatred of gays. This was one of those churches that had Republican representatives speak on Sunday (and yet, they still claim they are tax exempt).
Nearly 10 Years Later and This Blog and the Future
My ex and I barely talk. He is cordial to a point, but he never returns my texts unless it is specifically about our kids. He remarried a woman in his church within a few months after we divorced and my son told me (since he lived with my ex for about a year after the divorce) that my ex had secretly been seeing this woman a year before our divorce.
I should have seen that coming.
Ah well, the things we learn in retrospect.
I started this blog back around 2011 or so, and I started it because I thought I could help others in the church who were gay and in hiding. It began with me doing what I loved back in the day, writing about the Bible and essays on scripture.
As I grew and matured, and changed in my own views, so did the writing on this blog.
Last year, I deleted all those little essays and studies and just wanted to have a blog on something else. I just wasn’t sure what to do with my writing.
The blog morphed into something else, and then I wanted to make money as a writer because I truly love writing.
I started content writing in 2017 because I read that you should do that to get better as a writer.
I honestly don’t enjoy content writing. I just… don’t. As my son told me, “You are a novelist, songwriter and poet. That just isn’t your kind of writing.”
I thought I could monetize this blog and I have always been more of a creative type, and so I wanted to revamp this to a travel blog because I thought it would get more traffic.
Should I then be a travel writer?
That didn’t work out because I have to take care of my son and I’m kind of anchored to being “here.”
So, what do I do with this blog and what do I write about?
I’m not really sure I’ve figured this out.
I guess I’m still realizing who I am. I know there is a spiritual sojourn in there somewhere and there is also a life lesson in this somewhere, but where do they match up and where do they go?
When do you stop asking questions and just start doing something?
Thank goodness for Grace because she pushed me to finally publish something… anything. I actually put a lot of time and effort into my little book of poetry, One Small Glimpse and enjoyed finally getting something out there.
I then wrote that little book, A Small Book of Whimsy. I have to change so much of it because I am technically challenged and pushed a wrong button and it’s the wrong size and I also messed up on the original illustration because I didn’t understand the ibisPaintx program. I am such a dolt, but I loved doing it. I liked being both illustrator and writer of a book.
I’m almost done with a novel I’ve been writing for the last five years that is a dramedy and thriller called, Tesday Will Get You Killed.
And so, if you read this far and enjoyed any of this self-realization please let me know with a like or comment.
Thank you so much for reading and have an awesome day of searching! 🙂
Goodnight Grace 😉 ❤
P.S. Yes, I will write about the last debate and what my thoughts are on Biden’s dentures falling out, Castro’s castration of Biden, and the $1,000 debate night surprise by Andrew Yang.