My Soundcloud Music Site…

[My Soundcloud Link will be at the end of this post.]

I’ve been playing guitar a long time (since I was 12).  I haven’t really paid attention to it as an instrument until around five years ago as I readied for  my divorce and eventual divorce in 2011.  My calloused fingers will attest to the fact I’ve recently been enjoying playing my guitar…A LOT!  It’s a nice little acoustic/electric Takamine EG140SRC, as you can see….  For the price, this is honestly a fantastic little guitar with great action and a superb sound with that hollow little Rosewood body.  (It was a gift back at the turn of the millennium, and next to my car, the nicest thing my ex ever bought me.)

Taka full body

My little beauty, Taka, that I taka everywhere.

And with the onslaught of constant guitar play I began writing songs again.

Now, I went through phases of guitar play and songwriting.  First, was my 70s teen era of the singer/songwriters like Joni Mitchell, Joan Baez, Carly Simon, James Taylor, Jim Croce and Carole King; not to mention, the big acoustic heroes on the guitar like Dave Crosby and Neil Young, or Bob Dylan.  Well, like many teens of the 70s I wanted to play guitar in hopes of becoming an awesome singer/songwriter.

Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man...yeah, not happening

Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man…yeah, not happening

Well…that never transpired.

I then went through a phase in the 80s where I became a music major, took a guitar class and was made to feel incredibly untalented because I had learned to play by watching others play guitar and was not an accomplished classical guitarist.  I picked the guitar all wonky and unclassically buffoony…and just wrong…as my instructor was quick to tell me whilst giving me an F.  (Yes, I like to use non-words!)   I left music with my guitar tucked between metaphorical legs, and basically, really stopped playing.  It was a very low time for me.

"I said meow!  MEOW!...or I'm covering the other eye too.."

“I said meow! MEOW!…or I’m covering the other eye too..”

I then became really God-centric in the 90s with my family growing and loved singing in the church choir and was suddenly thinking of writing music again.  At the end of the 90s my ex bought me a slash, Birthday/Anniversary gift, as I recovered in a hospital bed after a hysterectomy.  It was a very sweet gift from him and the kids.

I began to write songs on my guitar again, but there was still something that didn’t feel right.  And so, I began writing novels instead and my poor little guitar sat alone for another decade… until.

As I grew closer to God while searching to know truth and to know who God is, who I am, and who was Jesus, I had my personal epiphany.  God, I realized without a doubt, is more than what we read about in the Bible.  Once I saw outside this self-imposed Christian box it brought me to enlightenment in all types of creative ways.  The guitar even took on a whole new life for me, as I stood outside one night around a year ago, and looked up into a very dark sky and felt the Spirit within, blazing and lighting the darkness.

Words.  Words came to me fast and furious and the music simply fell into place.  I wrote four songs in a day.

Impressive, young padawan...

Impressive, young padawan…

(Yes, I know that sounds all hokey and weird, but I really felt the epiphany of my life as after heartbreak, heartache, and self-awareness grew, I had made a big step closer to God.)

With that step, came music, and it comes very naturally for me.  The guitar is becoming an extension of my fingers, hands and arms.  It’s a very soul-thing when I play.  I enjoy it in a way I’d never enjoyed playing guitar before.  I hope that shows in the new music I’m writing.

And so, after all this explanation and a bit of biographical info, I decided to start a Soundcloud page last year thanks to the help of my friend Maeve (who also recorded the only more professional sounding song, Everything About You I Simply Miss, on my site).    The music is not at its best because I recorded with just me and guitar in my bedroom and a little Tascam.  As I progress in my recording ability and learning how to put together a better sound and adding drums and such, it will progressively grow into a better product.  I guess you could say these are my songs unplugged…? haha

Thank you for reading, and I hope eventually listening. ^__^

Val’s Soundcloud Link

Joining the Tweetvolution…

Okay, so I just joined Twitter.   I called my Twitter account, Valsisms, which they wouldn’t let me place an apostrophe because it’s supposed to read as,Val’s ‘isms.  (An idea I got from my new friend after I wrote her a card with a Val’ism inside and realized, “Whoa, that’s not a bad idea for a Twitter account name!”)

Now, this is something I’ve feared for years (months?) because I’m never sure if I’ll write something incredibly stupid, or incredibly… stupider.

The thing about instant messaging is that it is “instant” and therefore hard to remove once it’s out there.  It’s like conversations with people you’re only acquainted with and you incorrectly throw out a word that doesn’t mean what you intended and then you can’t take it back.  It’s out there.  The person leaves your conversation secretly thinking you are a dumb person.  (Why do I want the approval of others, let alone others I don’t know all that well?)

We all want to be seen better than we possibly are.  But then again, maybe we are better than we possibly think.

And so, I guess what I’m trying to convey is that I’m glad I joined Twitter and will soon be tweeting hopefully thought-provoking and humorous little tidbits of wisdom.

And please, feel free to follow me (like a stalker, but an approved stalker).


The Jesus Sayings and my neglect…

Oh blog, how I have neglected you… 

I realized I go through periods of “shiny things that capture my attention.”  At times it is a new hobby (I walked every day for a week), a TV show (first Downton Abbey and now Game of Thrones – GoT is so awesome!), a book (like the one I’m about to comment on), playing my guitar and writing music (which I have been doing a lot of lately!), a new woman in my life (very shiny and pretty at times), or simply the fact I am tired and at times lazy.

Anyhoo, onto the book:  I just finished reading my favorite book of this new year:  The Jesus Sayings: The Quest for His Authentic Message, by Rex Weyler.


Its a nice mix of archaeology, history, and cultural anthropology, all done with journalistic integrity and a writer’s panache.  It was not only informative, but enjoyable to read as Mr. Weyler shared his own childhood searching and longings, his grandmother, a beautifully lovely spiritual heart, Francis of Assisi, and his own son and the natural generosity of children.  It was easy to understand and incorporated fantastic historical detail with no bias.  (Its so difficult to find a writer that doesn’t invoke their own bias into history.)  He wasn’t afraid to look at the Thomas and Mary writings, or any of the other books out there that have been rejected by the established church, and purged because of, and I’ll just copy from this book:  “Crossan, one of the most highly respected scholars of Jesus history, points out that our search is encumbered by three ‘giant filters’, since ancient history was recorded by (1) elite, (2) literate, (3) males.  …All histories are reconstructions.”  Our Bible, that we read today, is merely a reconstruction of years of bias following the above standards with added mythology and poetry.  The more you read the Bible the more you realize this and then you might possibly begin a search as I began that lead me to here.

Should you be afraid of losing your faith if you ask questions or use your mind to search for truth?  Never.  By golly, we have  minds to use, not simply leave on a back-burner and allow another to feed information to!  We need to seek for ourselves.  We need to be open to other ideas and possibilities and then never stop being quiet and listening to that still small voice of God within.  There is one thing you find a common theme of what Jesus consistently said:

Seek and you shall find.



Listen and you will hear.

Love and be generous (sharing)

Know yourself.  Be true to yourself and your nature.

By the end of the book I found Jesus said exactly what I had found him to say through years of Bible study and time with God in meditation.  If you listen, you will hear.  If you seek, you will find.   His message was very simple.

It was exactly the book I was looking for when I began searching for Jesus; who he is, who he was, and what exactly did he really say while on earth.  This was merely one more step in my search for God.

I would suggest this book to anyone who says they love Jesus.

I’ll share what Mr. Weyler wrote in his last chapter as to what Jesus probably would have said on any given day while speaking to a crowd in Galilee (on page 308-311):

A Voice in Galilee

You wish to be healed and forgiven for your sins, and so it shall be, but my dear friends, you don’t know how lucky you are. You are fortunate to be poor and hungry.  Your suffering brings you closer to the true kingdom of God.  The rich are distracted by pleasures and power.  Look, they stand away at a distance.  They will gather up more riches and you will be deprived, but you are the lucky ones.

The kingdom cannot be bought. Nor is it something grand that will come tomorrow and be handed to you.  Here, this is the kingdom. These children. Be like these innocents.  See?  Their kindness is natural.  The kingdom is for ones such as these.  It is like a tiny mustard seed, almost invisible, but look how it grows wild in the fields and provides a home for the birds and little animals.

Seek this kingdom in yourself.  Look within. There is a light inside, and if you look, you will find it.  Everything hidden will be revealed to those who seek.  When you find this light, don’t keep it to yourself.  Who would light a lamp and then put it under a basket?  Shine your light from the hilltops.  Speak out.  Tell others.  Do as we do.

Look. We have nothing.  No staff, no food, no extra clothes.  Don’t worry about what you will eat or wear.  Look at the birds. See these lilies.  They don’t slave away or worry, yet they are fed and adorned more gloriously than the kings.  Your father in heaven loves you as much as those birds and flowers.  Accept what is given to you from this bounty and take care of others.  That is the Father’s kingdom on earth.

The lawmakers there say we have sinned because we healed our neighbors on the holy day.  We have no day of rest.  Even the birds have nests and the foxes have their holes. Yet a human has nowhere to lay one’s head.  They holy day was made for us; we weren’t made to serve the holy day.

Those of you with two good ears had better listen.

Do you want to live in this kingdom?  Then don’t call me master, but act on what I am telling you.  Don’t just hear these words, but do as we do.  Go among your neighbors, share whatever you have, give to anyone who asks.  You can heal the sick yourselves.  Tell them the kingdom is here.

But don’t act like those who pretend to speak for God, parade around in fine robes, and demand the best seats in the synagogue.  These priests take the keys to the kingdom, but they won’t enter and they won’t let your enter.  Don’t be fooled.  Be sly as a snake, but gentle as a dove.

I swear to you, I ask no one for authority.  I speak from what I know myself.  Love your enemies. Pray for them.  Share even with those who rebuke you.  If someone strikes you on the cheek, offer them the other.  If someone wants your coat, give your shirt also.  If you are ordered to walk a mile, go another mile also.  What do you care?  You have nothing.  What can they take from you?

Have you not heard?  Treat others as you wish to be treated. Be merciful and forgive others, just as you wish to be forgiven.  Don’t take your neighbor to the court of law. Settle your disputes among yourselves.  Decide yourself what is right and wrong.

And don’t judge your neighbors. Before you point out the splinter in your friend’s eye, maybe you should think about the timber in your own eye.  Do you see?  Can the blind lead the blind?

Wake up.  Look around you.  The kingdom is here, spread out over the whole world, and some people still don’t see it.  Imagine a merchant who gets a huge shipment of goods, but inside he finds a perfect tiny pearl.  Wouldn’t he want to keep the pearl for himself and sell everything else?  The kingdom is like that.  It is like a treasure buried in a field.  The landlord has no idea, but you can have that treasure.

Be generous, not just to your family and neighbors, but to anyone in need.  A man as robbed and beaten on the road and left in the ditch.  A priest and a Pharisee walked by and ignored him.  But a Samaritan passed by, cleaned his wounds, and put him up in an inn.  So who is your true neighbor?

Look. You know who is righteous.  What someone puts into their mouth neither defiles or purifies them.  What comes out of one’s mouth defiles or purifies.  Don’t just wash the outer layer like the priests and forget the inside.  Make the inside like the outside.  This is the kingdom.  You create good and evil by what you do.  Goodness comes from the good that a person builds up in the heart from a life of common decency.  Evil comes from evil work stored up in the heart.  Those who try to save their life will lose it.  Don’t gather treasures that will only be lost.  Store up treasures that remain.

Don’t worry about sins.  The lawyers can’t tell you what sin is.  Sin comes when you act contrary to your nature.  But when you know yourself, when you follow your nature, that is righteousness.  Male or female doesn’t matter.  In the kingdom there is no male or female.

Start now.  Do you think you cannot take up a holy life until you have raised your children or buried your parents?  Don’t wait.  Let the dead bury the dead.  Commit now.  A slave can’t serve two masters.

Beware.  Your own family may cast you out, but look at us. We have each other; this is our family.

In the kingdom, the first is last, the last is first. This little child, pure in spirit, is greater than the prophets.  Who has something to eat?  Bring it out.  Share it with your neighbor.  The kingdom is here.

This is what Mr. Weyler surmised Jesus would have said according to the proven historical documentation at hand.  Jesus’ message was very consistent.  I pray you all listen and start spreading your own lights into this world.  It needs it right now. ^_^

[And...I will try to update my blog more frequently and fix those pages under construction.]

My Novel for #NaNoWriMo – Everyone Is Crazy, But Me

I, for the first time, have decided to enter a novel for #NaNoWriMo.  It’s titled, Everyone Is Crazy, But Me.  It’s dark humor, romance, and dramedy, about a male lesbian who boards in a home of lesbians.  He decides to come back – fully awakened of his reincarnated past lives – to meet his true love, and this time get it right.  The only glitch is that she’s a lesbian and he is male.  But, he’s a very determined person who just might be crazy.

I got the idea after speaking to a few friends that are very positive about reincarnation, how they know for a fact they are reincarnated, and thought I could put a humorous spin on this way of thinking.  I am not knocking reincarnation.  I actually leave the thought of this open to anyone who reads about the subject.  We have to always come to our own conclusions.

But, I have to ask those who read my blog, “Would you like me to place the chapters here as I work on the story and then give me input?”

Please let me know in the comments section or email me.

I would love to hear your critiques on my writing.  It’s been so long since I’ve ventured into writing a novel again, and it feels almost like returning home after a long trip away.  My muse is coming back.  It’s a little bit frazzled and slightly lost, but I’m helping my muse along.  She loves coffee and I’m making sure she gets plenty.  She’s also asking for more wine and beer, but I’m really trying to keep her from becoming a lush again.  She used to drink so much when she inspired novels in me years ago.  *wink*  I also need to find an unlit cigarette, since I’ve heard e-cigarettes are very bad for your health.

Anyhoo, thank you and I hope you are all out and about and enjoying this beautiful Fall weather.  ^__^

The Fable, The Super Mario, and The Fun Had By All…

It’s Sunday and I like to post uplifting posts on Sunday; well, I like to be uplifting any day of the week, but I seem to be making a Sunday habit of posting today and that’s probably because I’m well rested and off work on Sunday; plus, its always quiet in my apartment on this day of the week.  And so…

This is where I’m going:  One of  my best buds in the world had a birthday yesterday and she was a bit down.  She’s had a very rough previous year and things just kept piling up.  Needless to say, her birthday would have been awash in wine and couch time with her puppies, or simply mulling over the past and sadness.  That’s a horrible way to spend a birthday.  So, we hung out and went to an art show in Dallas and she climbed a scaffolding (fortunately, no police were around) and took awesome photos, since she’s a photographer, and we ate food we’d never tried before, Bhan Mi, and then we drank Vietnamese coffees, and then went back to her place and I sliced my thumb horribly cutting tangerines to place in our Blue Moon Pumpkin Ales, which hurt like hell and bled like a Julia Child skit from SNL. But at least we had a good time.

And then Saturday night we went to a Halloween party thrown by a lesbian meet-up group with another good friend and all of us had a very, very good time.  A lot of lesbians attended and the woman I actually liked happened to be straight – ah well, thatsa how it goes.  I also met a cool hip-hop rapper who is extremely talented, and quite a few other women, one even tried to teach me how to dance.  I still suck at it and still dance like Elaine Bettis from Seinfeld.  They were all so sweet and nice and it was simply fun.  I dressed as Mario, the guy you like to play with.  Haha, badum!

Its'a me...Mario!

Its’a me…Mario!

(Don’t pay attention to the fact I took that photo in the bathroom.  It had the best mirror.)



The final product had yellow buttons.  It was a fun costume, and a good time was had by all.

Anyhoo, I wrote a little fable, Stop and Look Up, to cheer up my friend and edited it a bit and thought I’d place it here for your enjoyment.  When I was a kid I loved Aesop’s Fables.  And the thing about fables, they can have a little nugget of wisdom and truth within them, and sometimes you might not even realize it until days or years later, but they are fun to have around.  Please enjoy, and, as always, there is a surprise Youtube video at the end of the post. *winkwink*

Stop and Look Up…the Fable

Once there was a person – male or female, it doesn’t really matter.  We will call this person, Bob Chuck.

Bob Chuck walked up a hill – no, maybe a mountain – and it was a rough climb. All kinds of hardships to simply climb up a fuckin’ mountain – bears and lions, ohmyyy, weather, sprained ankles, broken nails, ripped pants, and not a bath in sight.  Bob Chuck grumbled for the most part of his/her climb.  (I’ll just call Bob Chuck a “her” for semblance.)

And so she finally gets to the top of the mountain.  And she’s all, “Whoa, what a pisser climbing up to the top of this fuckin’ mountain.”  And “blah blah blah” – yes, she said that.

Whilst during the rant of perpetual complaint a voice – no, someone humming a tune -  came from the bushes.  Upon further inspection she saw a cave and noticed a fire.  There were lush orchards around the cave and plenty of good smells, so she wandered over and there was a hermit there with two plates; one for her and one for him.

He picked up her plate, handed it to Bob Chuck and then stood at the edge of the mountain beside her and said, “Hi!  Beautiful view, eh?”  (The mountain hermit was obviously Canadian.)

And so, Bob Chuck finally stopped complaining and stopped and looked out at the view.  The beauty was almost more than she could handle and she nearly dropped her plate.  She could see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles…and more, oh yeah.

“THIS IS SOOOOOOO AWESOME!” Bob Chuck suddenly – and surprisingly - yelled, so that the echo nearly caused an avalanche.

Her hospitable host chuckled lightly and Bob Chuck stayed and lived with the hermit for many years, enjoying her hospitality. (Yes, I changed the hermit to a “her” because the hermit didn’t care to choose one gender or another.  She didn’t care…nor, did he.)

Bob Chuck soon became restless and decided it was time to leave the mountaintop and the hermit, and so she packed up her stuff and left with a quick, “Adios Padre, I feel the wind and it calls Mariah.”

“But your name is…”

“Let’s not get stuck on pleasantries, shall we?”

And Bob Chuck left the mountaintop and began her climb back down.  The trip down was even more arduous than the climb up.  It rained much more, and she fell down a few feet through mud and shit, and leaves just don’t cut it.  It was just a really hard trip, and with each passing day she’d forget a little more of the beautiful view and time on the mountaintop.  Until she finally came to the valley below and lived among the other people and began to listen to their words and their lives and became more and more forgetful of the beauty and time of the mountaintop.  Grumbling soon became her favorite past time, along with the townsfolk.

And then one day, as she was washing some underwear and hanging it on a clothesline, the hermit walked by and said, “Hi, beautiful view, eh?”

And she stopped, as he handed her a donut and a cup of coffee and looked up.  She stopped and looked up at the mountain and its beauty for the first time.

“AWESOME!”  Bob Chuck shouted, this time dropping her donut, and cup of coffee, and her voice echoed so that…

(And you decide the ending, my friends.)

  1. The avalanche came crashing down and killed all the people of the valley.   Good riddance grumblers.
  2. The echo reverberated across the land and the people all stopped to look up and enjoyed the beauty of the mountain for the first time.
  3. Bob Chuck and Hermit hooked up and had a merry time of wine and drink while partying with the townsfolk.
  4. You don’t care because you know that if you were Bob Chuck you would have never left the mountaintop.
  5. You realize there are many endings to every story when you are living it, and so, “AWESOME, what a beautiful view!”

The End

Have a Happy Sunday of wine, merriment, and whatever else you enjoy. :)  I’m going to take a nap.  I was up all night partying with my friends at a Halloween party and there are still funny little black pieces of material stuck up my nose from that Mario mustache. Doodoodoodoodoodoo…WooHoo!  *wink*

Haha, the guy we love to play with… ^___^ WooHoo!

Illusions and New Page: Joshua’s Wisdom

Hello all of you readers!

I’m announcing a new page on my blog, Joshua’s Wisdom, and I read this book recently, Illusions, by Richard Bach.  It’s a good little novella and so easy to read (I read it in a few hours).  What I found interesting is that I’ve suddenly met a few women who have read this book several times.  One – the one who suggested I read this book – actually lives by it; which, can’t be all that bad, and I like the person that she is so much.  I liked what he wrote at the end of the book, “Everything in this book may be wrong.”  That was the best part for me.  It made me happy that Richard Bach realized the one truth:  no one truly knows all truth and no one ever knows everything.  He’s actually still alive and flying his planes.

It’s so like a writer.  We think a lot.  We spend so much time alone, just us and the keyboard, that we can do nothing else but ponder and think.  Richard Bach has the added beauty of flying above the land, like a bird, and seeing the world at a vantage point not many of us see the world from; which, reminds me of something foolish I once said to a friend while there was a dispute.  I told her eventually you have to get off the fence and choose a side.  Well, at the time I hadn’t truly thought it out that if she were a bird she could simply fly up and off the fence, and look at both sides.  Perspective.

Anyhoo, a good book brings about ideas and hopefully helpful ideas for our readers.  We know we can write inspirational uplifting work.  There is always a book that simply is uplifting and you can read it over and over again, like Illusions.  That’s the cool thing about being a writer:  to know you can affect people in a good way.

I know once I put Mr. Bach’s book down I felt very happy and it reminded me to remember…to remember who I am and what I enjoy.  In that way, it was a very good book for me to read right now.  It was chock-full of sage advice.

Reading the book, also influenced me to begin writing down discussions with my son, Johann (his secret blog identity name).  I suppose it’s time to let you all know my son’s real name is Joshua.  Discussions with him have influenced most of my posts on faith and gay issues.

Joshua is a gift from God.  I say that because he and I almost died a couple of times pre-birth.  Me twice, and then while I was in the hospital for two months on complete bed rest he was in constant danger of not making it.  Because of this I prayed over my son in my womb constantly – not like I had much else to do stuck on a bed in a hospital.  And then one day, quite unexpectedly, I started bleeding like crazy.  Everyone thought Joshua was lost.  At that moment, I gave Joshua to God.  I said, this is like an Elisha moment, “God, you just raise Joshua and he’s all yours if you let him live.”

And so Josh lived.  He was a very healthy baby.  He was born with all types of physical ailments and problems that would eventually pop up in his early elementary and teen years:  Genetic induced kidney problems that have given him high blood pressure at an early age (this may even kill him at a young age), Tourette’s Syndrome and comorbid side affects like depression and OCD.  But, he is a man who loves God more than anything else, and lives like a monk in a little apartment in Texas.  I never had influence for him in this direction.  He didn’t like going to church and stopped at age 12.  He told me he couldn’t go.  Even as a child, he didn’t like hypocrites.  He has spent hours and hours in his room talking to God.  He will tell me things that I can’t believe since he’s never read the same writers or books I’ve read.  He hasn’t read the Bible, except for a few pages.  He goes to the source – God.  He doesn’t believe in hurting any creature – even spiders and bugs; much to my disliking, since I don’t like spiders.  God is in everything, but he knows God is also separate.  This is all part of God’s creation.  He, like Richard Bach, believes in several dimensions and worlds and creatures and things that we can’t see with the naked eye.

What I’m saying is that he’s already told me pretty much everything in Richard Bach’s book, which leads me to thinking that God speaks to those who listen.  There are many ponderers like Mr. Bach and Joshua…and sometimes even me.

Well, let me just let you see the page, Joshua’s Wisdom, and you decide for yourselves what to keep and what to throw away.  You see, everything I write could be wrong.

My Silly (or not so silly) Sunday Sermon: “Look Up, Little Ant…”

Have you ever stopped yourself just before stepping on an ant?  Have you ever looked at a small spider and reconsidered squashing him out of existence?  Have you ever thought Sea Monkeys’ really lived in small kingdoms underwater?

…  (Did anyone get the Supernatural reference?)

Do you look at creatures that are smaller than you and feel a certain empathy toward them because they did something out of the ordinary, unexpected, something that made them stand out?  They made you feel sorry for them and cruel for killing them and you paused and stopped yourself?  You let this one go because you had a moment where you bonded?

I believe everything around us is a lesson of God.  And so…

Lisbeth and the Ant…

My daughter’s bathroom at our apartment has had some ants sneak in.  There have been maybe 20.  They are gone now, but for some reason there was something attracting the ants to her and her boyfriends bathroom.

So, my little Lisbeth was squishing ants in the bathroom.  (Who wants an ant crawling up their pants while trying to potty?)  She had already killed maybe five or six when she was about to squish the last ant in this final group, but stopped herself.  The last ant began to run in circles, fearing for his life.  He suddenly stopped and looked up at Lisbeth.  He just stopped, as if realizing this was it.  His little ant face and feelers twitched and then he looked up at her.  “Fine, I will go gently into that dark night slayer.”

Well, this made Lisbeth feel sorry for the ant.

She had a bonding moment.

Of course, she ended up killing the ant anyway, but there was a moment.

Hah, the anticlimactic ending!

[EDIT:  Okay, I found out a week after I posted this that my daughter did not kill the ant.  She felt sorry for the ant and so I'm sorry if I made it seem she was a cold blooded ant killer.  She is obviously more merciful.

Okay, on with the story...]

God and the Ant…

It got me thinking after Sarah (I’m just going to call her by her real name and no more pseudonyms, despite loving the name, Lisbeth)  relayed this story about us and God.  Yes, its like we’re all these tiny ants crawling around and every so often we get into his private space – his bathroom.

Before you all guffaw at the metaphor, please let me make my case.

Okay, so because this world is so big and this is God we’re talking about, God’s bathroom or den or entire house could be the metaphor of where we are walking around, but you get the gist.

So, we happen to be the one ant who stops and looks up at our creator, or possible destroyer with one stomp of a foot, or our person of power when we have no power in reality?  What if we happen to be the ones who notice God?  The one ant who asked to be shown mercy?  The one who suddenly wakes up to the fact that we are just tiny ants and there is a God that could strike us down if that’s what He/She wanted to do.  But this God is better than Lisbeth (a.k.a. Sarah) the Ant Killer – whom we now know was convicted for a crime she didn’t commit – and would never do such a thing…but, we really don’t know that.  Do we?

I’ve been thinking over why do some people seem to have a “relationship” with God and others don’t?  Why is it that some people couldn’t give a damn of heaven or hell (a place I don’t believe exists, but…that’s your choice), or if God exists or not?   Why do some seem to accept atheism so easily and others will fight tooth and nail throughout their lives trying to prove faith and God?  Why are we all so different when it comes to having a relationship with God?  A creator?  No matter if you believe in the Judea-Christian God, the Allah, the Supreme Higher Power, or Alien super races that have bred us?  This is what I wonder.

Why do some care and some not care if there is a God or not?  Does it matter?  Does “you” recognizing the presence of “God” matter in regard to your life and possible after-life?

I think our decision does matter.  Please, you are free to question what I write, but I hope this makes you think.

Let’s pose this…

I think either we choose to keep running and eventually get stepped on, or we decide to stay on the outside and not enter God’s space – just live and let live – or, we choose to walk forward, look up and start bonding with the one with all the power.  We choose to communicate with this God and therefore it sets us apart from the other ants.

Think about this:  Do you simply spend time talking to your creator?  Do you ever consider that maybe God wants to hear from you?  Maybe God wants to know that you care enough to talk to Him/Her.  Perhaps this is the only difference between you and the ant that got smashed.  You decided to stop and talk to the one who holds life and death in His/Her hand.

Maybe because of God’s kindness, empathy and concern, that’s all God really wants.  What if God made a race of humans with free will because God wanted these humans to seek Him/Her out throughout their lives?

Again, you are free to question anything I write.  I am simply postulating some ideas.

In my belief system, I believe there are tons of dimensions and universes and angels, demons, and all types of creations in the expanse of God.  Now, this is not set in stone because only a fool says they know all and know all the answers.  And so, I pose questions and conclude that I am sure of one thing – there is a God.  That’s all I am sure of, but how we relate to God and how God relates to us I am never ‘quite’ sure.

Let’s say all the creations of God know God for a fact.  They hang out with God.  It’s not an issue.

Let’s say God gets bored one day and decides, “I want to see if there is a creation that will seek Me out, love me, want to be around me, without knowing that I am the Creator of all and the most powerful being for a solid fact.  What if I want a creation that wants me so much they seek me out, rather than knowing I’m here as a given?”

There are other beings and creations that are bothered that God thinks highly of us.  We are the creation that are too dumb not to just plainly see God.  It must makes us seem so dumb to those who know God.  Maybe there are some that like us and some that don’t.  But we are God’s favorite creation.  We are the apple of our God’s eye.  God even sent forth a Son (one of many sons and daughters), Jesus Christ, to relay this message of love that God feels for us and wants us to spread to other humans.

Jesus Christ had to be born at a certain time of earth history where the message would spread.  There are others who have had messages from God like Jesus Christ, but certainly none as popular.  There are even some who received messages from demons (texts written on lies or half-truths), or written from their own bias, from their own imagination, and have been as popular, but Jesus Christ had the true message.  We know this because other messages have been from the standpoint of hate and judgment, and God’s message is from the standpoint of love and mercy.  Mercy is gray, but judgment is black and white.  Mercy understands and judgment is unbending.   Everything about Jesus’ message is based on the fact we are all in this together and judgment places levels and castes and “they” against “them.”

Immediately after Christ’s death on a cross the message was being scrutinized and manipulated for power.  Jesus knew this would happen – its so like humans.

God knew this, and God also knew there would still be those who would seek.  There would be those who would search ancient texts and then talk to Him/Her.  God is Spirit and so God could obviously speak to those who chose to ask and seek.

There are two ways to know another person.

If you are a journalist and about to interview someone for a biography what do you do?

Knowing God: The Biography…

First, you research what is written on the person from all the past information you have available, and find out everything you can on this person; and then second, you interview the person and keep talking to them.

This is how you get to know your subject.

What is the true personality of God?  We find out that God is not a judge, but merciful.  From the very beginning when God decided not to smite, but enlight-en.

Judgment came in the form of humankind seeing others, starting with the other sex and onward. We all live this judgment.  It’s called the cruelty of humankind.  Comparison.  One-upmanship.  Always either judging another according to how we think it should be or how we think it shouldn’t be.

Judgment kills.  Mercy gives life.

We see it in court systems and how municipalities are run.  We see it in life at every turn by those who carry hate and power and greed toward their fellow human and even toward the rest of creation, animals and the environment.

We want people to pay.  We want justice.  We cry out for justice consistently.

We kill the ant.

God chooses not to kill the ant but give it mercy.

But why?  Why?  In the same way you judge another you have already judged yourself.  (That’s based on some Scripture, but I can’t remember where…possibly Romans 2.)

But even more interesting is that there are those who decide they want to know God.  They want to see God.  They want to spend time talking and meditating with God.  And so God builds them a little ant farm and makes sure all their needs are met, and God loves to look over the little ants.  They recognize God when He/She feeds them and does things for them.

These individuals finally wake up to the fact that there is a God and they are in awe of God’s awesomeness, and all the other creations and this earth God formed for us to enjoy.  These people are the seekers and lovers of God.  These are the mystics and dreamers with their heads in clouds and at His feet when His Spirit indwells a faithful prophet and son.  These are the Mary’s of the world.  These are the Gandhi’s and Martin Luther Kings.  These are the ones who know there is more.

These are you and me, if we seek God with fervor.  We are just like Jesus Christ.  We are not him – of course not.  There was only one Jesus Christ.  But we are just like him in that we are sons and daughters who are able to love our God just as wholly and fully.  The same Spirit who indwelt Jesus Christ is the exact same one which indwells us.  So then…?


If you seek you shall find.  Be careful.  You might really find God and then what will you do?  What will you do when you figure out God is real?  What will you do when you see with the eyes of love, and thus see the eyes of hate looking back at you?  What will you do when you see the world is not as beautiful as you’d have hoped?  What will you do when you finally spot all the ugly and hate-mongering frothing from the mouths of power hungry political figures and leaders, or simply the manager at your store, or co-worker?  Any little bit of power over another begins to corrupt even the lowest on the social rung.  Big brothers killing little brothers?  Cain and Abel stories and those like these.

Will you love?

What would Jesus Do?

Haha, well Jesus died on a cross because He did see with the eyes of God, and He spoke the words of God.  That’s what it got Him:  a quick death sentence.  Of course, Jesus Christ rose from the dead.  What is death anyway?  Its simply a passing from one form to another.  Never let death worry you.  We all die.

“You are forgiven.”

Christ became known for being a sacrifice to forgive sin.  Why?  It is because the church wants you all to believe that you need them to be forgiven.  It gives the church power.  If the Christ message is one of forgiveness then you have some guilt and owe something.  If it’s simply a message for one and all about waking up and loving others, than the church loses it’s power.

So, “You are already forgiven.”  That’s a given.  Christ wasn’t a sacrifice, he was a mouthpiece and messenger.  He wasn’t a redeemer.  He was the redemption.  He told people, “yeah, sure, you want forgiveness – here.”

Christ was great at being sarcastic.  Much of that is recorded in all the writings on when Christ was here.  It must have been so frustrating for him to be plopped down with all this knowledge among such a patriarchal backward society.  It’s almost worse than being plopped down in Texas or Louisiana in this day and age.  Oh, how he must have been face palming consistently at how the ‘disciples’ just didn’t “get it?”  I think Mary got it and that’s why he hung out with her and a lot of women.

Christ didn’t forgive anyone.  He knew they were already forgiven since the creation.  He was just telling them again why God created this world and humankind.  Read and find out.  Read it in context and realize what Christ was really trying to say.

I listen to Christians speak now and what they say sounds so silly and misinformed.  They hung Christ on a cross, resurrected Him and then went on to worship Him for all the wrong reasons.  They built powerful religions over his death and resurrection.  They spent billions and billions of finances erecting temples and idols, and TV shows and products to sell.  Christ sells.  The cross sells.

Religion, not just Christian, sells itself by others feeling guilty, or ashamed, or that they haven’t done enough works.  It’s all about doing things to please God.

God was telling us that “I’m here.  I’m alive.  I hear you.  Love.  Love me and love one another.”  That’s all.  Stop sacrificing.  Stop killing.  Stop saying that you heard me thousands of years ago, but that you keep making it up as you go along.  Stop using me to prosper your own agendas.

The Ant farm…

And still the little ants, the simple little ants go about their lives in their little ant farm, but every so often one little ant looks up and notices the one who cares for them.

I was watching our Pomeranian, Fuzzy, listen to us talk.  We’ve owned so many dogs, but sometimes there is just that one dog that seems to really get what you are saying and watches you as if all of their life depends on you.  This is the dog you tend to get attached to and form a closer bond with.  And that is how Fuzzy is with me.  I love this little dog more than I’ve loved my other dogs.  I’m sorry to be so biased, but it’s true.  And I think this is possibly how God is with us.  The ones who give God our time, He/She does listen and begin to care for a little deeper.  I think that is why Jesus Christ was loved more than others.  Jesus truly loved and listened to God.  It makes me admire and love Jesus.

God wants US to talk to Him/Her.  God wants us to love Him/Her.  God likes us.  So start getting to know God, little ant.  Look up and see the one who cares for you.  It will amaze you how your eyes and heart and ears will open.  Seek and you shall find.

Jesus Christ sought and found.  God knew Jesus was coming to be born.  God knew Jesus was the Son who would finally deliver the truth.  All was set on the stage for God’s message to come.  Did we listen?

This is the message:

Love trumps hate

Mercy trumps Justice

Kindness trumps cruelty

A gentle word trumps a rude word

Joy trumps gloom

Hope trumps despair

Truth trumps lies

Goodness trumps ill will

Life trumps death

Peace trumps war and fighting

This is what Christ was trying to tell us.  This is what was supposed to be in the Talmud, and if you look closely you find this message in the Pentateuch.  This is what God wants us to know and there are a lot of false religions and belief systems that deny this truth.  There are also a lot of belief systems that understand this truth.  Followers of Christ are not the only ones who know truth.  But, its about time we start paying attention to why Christ came, because he had a message to give and share that is worth listening to.

I Heard A Strange Voice… And the movie, “Wake Up.”

(This blog was actually written a few days ago, but I finished it today and so I’m posting it now.)

[Disclaimer:  And, I'm fairly certain I'm not crazy.]

The Voice…

I was awoken this morning by a quiet, baritone male voice that said, “Val.”  The voice sounded nice, or more aptly, pleasant and friendly.  He was calling me to awake from my slumber from the other side of this bed that I’m sleeping in; of which, it isn’t my bed.  It belongs to my employer, but I’m staying over night to care for their elderly parent while they are out of town.

I am sure by now you don’t really care about my employment or where I bed for the night, but you are wondering about that first sentence.

“Val.”  A male voice awoke me this morning stating my name, “Val.”

It didn’t abruptly wake me up or shock me in any way, but it was more like when someone you love and care about simply says your name and you awaken turning and smiling to that person.

Once I was awake, I kind of laughed when I looked over to the side of the bed and saw no one there.  I must have been having another strange dream.  I dreamt yesterday morning that I was on a road trip with my best friend and we drove up to a land where there were tons of giant stone statues and when we drove it was like an old movie where the trip is plotted and followed by a dotted line from Point A to Point B on a crinkly, sepia-colored map.  Once I and my best friend got to the land that looked a lot like a national park I’ve been to before, we would stop at various eateries or sightseeing places and all the folks would snub us and then we would move on.  It was such an odd dream.  Plus, the state we traveled to was northeast of here and called Wyoming, but for those of you out there who are geographically literate whatsoever, Wyoming is not northeast of Texas it is northwest, and so we were actually going toward New York.  I can’t believe my dream mind has horrible geography skills.  But I digress, once again… (And when have I not digressed?)

The voice this morning, of course, does not have anything to do with my bad dreaming skills, and so I better get back to the subject at hand, “strange men who call your name from the other side of the bed in the morning.”  (It sounds like a subject that might be covered at an AA meeting.)

I cannot for a fact tell you why I heard the name, “Val,” so clearly it awoke me.  I am sure people hear voices while in half sleep and still dreaming and so I cannot tell you for a fact it was God or an Angel or Jesus visiting me because I’ve been asking a lot of questions about Him lately.  He might be getting suspicious.

I can say that I woke up to a kindness and it set me thinking for the day and it set me to think, “I better write a blog post or read my Bible again or even just meditate and spend some time talking to God about things because I’ve been pretty bad at conversing with God lately.  I just don’t visit with God the way I used to and people are noticing.”  My son Johann says I am floating (a metaphor for not being stable in thought).  I’m bouncing from here to there on issues of politics and religion and it’s good to question and grow but eventually you’d better start concluding.  If all you do is search and seek then how do you help another searching and seeking?  It’s like the blind leading the blind, or worse the deaf and dumb leading others to being deafer and dumber.

And so it was time I began to cumulate all this knowledge and sit down and ponder it on paper and work it out.

My Morning Coffee…

I decided to pray, but not how people think of praying.  I don’t sit in a quiet spot and pray any more, but I do go to a quiet spot to meditate.  No, this morning I was pouring coffee and just chatting to God because I’m all alone and there is no one around (unless of course these folks placed a nanny cam in the main area of the house, or worse in the bedroom I’m staying – Ew, and all sorts of wrong).

I decided to read my Bible since I haven’t been reading it lately.  I’ve been reading other ancient texts, but I do remember the days I wasn’t floating and was so resolved in a faith that I rarely questioned.  I still don’t question the actual faith of belief in God as my Lord and my God’s love for me and that I should be kind and love others.  That is something that will never change from my nature and being.  But, I question texts and systems in place that have used God and Jesus Christ, or spirituality in general and used it to further their own agendas.  God wasn’t meant for an agenda.  God wasn’t meant to be used and abused to place power over others.

I opened to Luke 19 and the story of Zaccheus, “the wee little man who climbed up into a sycamore tree…?”  It was a Sunday school song we sang for our kids.  And then I simply stopped reading because I had one of those moments where I began to think of all the stories of Scripture that I’d read where Christ spoke and called to people.

He many times called them by their name.

Did you realize that?

I’ve met self-proclaimed psychics and many special individuals who say they “know” things, but none know the name of the person they are prophesying for overall.

But Jesus had many accounts where he knew the person’s name.  I had never thought of that before.

And then I woke up to the reality that Jesus hung out in a place that he may have known many of the folks, so there went my idea for this entire post of how Jesus Christ knew people by name.  (Johann enlightened me to this fact.)

Of course, if Jesus was this gifted man endowed with God and fully knowing himself and His God so well then he may have just as well known people’s name psychically because yes, God has that kind of power.  He has the power to heal and to change from the inside and outward, and so why wouldn’t he know names of people.

And so I guess I’m still wondering what it meant that my name was called this morning to wake me up and so…

And so…

And so… Maybe it was simply to wake me up!

There is a movie that Johann and Lisbeth (my daughter’s pseudonym for my blog, and because I think its fun to make up names that remind me of the Sound of Music) watched the other night:  Wake Up.  It is a documentary about a man’s thoughts and search for God after envisioning the death of his friend the day before his friend died.  He had foreseen his friend’s death and the exact way it would happen.  And so, he went on a personal journey to find out why.  Why?  What is this life?  Who am I?  And the realization of God in a way that made him finally… Wake Up!

And so, I began to wonder if God is simply telling me to wake up from my slumber.

I have been sleeping.  I’ve been enjoying my gay self and forgotten why I began this journey in life.  I’m a sojourner of God.  And so its time I woke up again and stop floating and start stopping and looking around me and awaken to life and my purpose for being here.

We all have one.  We all use it or lose it, really.  Haha

What do you have to use?  Who are you?  Why are you here?  What gifts do you share?  How do you affect change around you?  How can you be a catalyst of good rather than evil, like Spiderman?

(Yes, I’m fixated on superheroes.)

I was told by someone that they wanted to leave their mark in this world – or make a name for themselves.  Well, that’s not what I mean.  You can leave a mark, but that mark will be erased as soon as you’re dead.  You can gather a so-called legacy, but that legacy eventually dies off with that last person in that line.  You can gather material wealth, but do you bring it with you after you die?  Do you leave it with the relatives?  In the grand scheme of God and life does it matter?  You might make a mention in a history book, or even might be famous, but your mark is worth nothing if you didn’t affect another heart, or soul, or being.  When there is nothing left of this world will it matter?

Jesus Christ gave us a word of Love.  What good words do you give?  He was a spokesman for God and was killed for it.  Thankfully we don’t live in a world where you can be hung on a cross for not agreeing with a religious leader and calling them out for their hypocrisy, but then… we get called all kinds of names.

Wake up and care.  I think that’s what it’s all about.

We need to wake up to reality, and God and life, and then we have to live accordingly.  We have to live with our eyes fully open and our minds fully aware.  There are those who love to take advantage of sleepers.  They run churches and governments and they build their castles on lies and deception and blind followers, sleep walkers through life.

Wake up o’ sleeper!

I heard my name, “Val,” this morning and it woke me up.

Living & Learning to be a Lesbian, or Sapphian, (but I needed a word that starts with “L”)…

This was in my emailbox today.  I still get the newsletter from the immigration lawyer directed to my ex in South Africa.  (The mailing comes to my box and I’ve yet to tell them to stop sending these, but in a way I’m glad since I got to experience this a year too late.)

On July 2, 2013, Department of Homeland Security (“DHS”) posted answers to frequently asked questions relating to the Supreme Court of the United States’ (“Supreme Court”) holding that Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. DHS made it clear that visa petitions filed based on same-sex marriages would be processed going forward.1 Along the same lines, Social Security Administration also released its own answers to frequently asked questions related to the Supreme Court’s holding.2 If you are in a same-sex marriage, please do not hesitate to call our office with your questions!

Yes, you read that right – don’t hesitate to call their office and process your same-sex marriage partners for entry into this country.  For all those out there who have been patiently waiting for this moment in American history I am so happy for you!  This is great news!  It’s about time America moved into the 21st century.

For me, however….

Either God was protecting me from the biggest mistake of my life, or I was too impatient.  I’m thinking maybe it was a little of both.  I still love her but she’s married to someone else.  That would make this teeter over more to the former than the latter. ^^

Yeahhhhhhh…however this (pointing to the above quote) brings me to this post.  (I love a good segue.)


Throughout my gay life I have had three girlfriends.  One I was engaged to (and unfortunately, still in love with), and one I am still fantastic friends with (because she is very mature and together and continues to give me great advice in life), and the last one is very upset; thus, the friendship part is out of the question methinks.

I broke up with the last two, though the one prior to this last one was really a mutual decision because I couldn’t commit.  It was what was best for us all since I could not fully give them my heart as I did for my first love.  When I’m able to give my heart away again then I will know, and I am sure my girlfriend will know as well.  I will be singing it from the rooftops and my kids will LOVE her and approve of the match.

Break-ups are inevitable.  They are not bad things.  They happen when you are single and dating.  That’s just a given to dating.  We make this so very hard when it doesn’t need to be this hard.  The world will still turn and the sun will rise and the moon will give you reason to howl…. Okay, maybe only I howl at the moon, but all you practicing and wannabee werewolves might understand.

Anyhoo, let me give you a definition for Girlfriend:

1. A favorite female companion or sweetheart.

2. A female friend

3. A female friend with whom a man or boy (REALLY DICTIONARY?  REALLY?  What about the Sapphians?!?!?!) is romantically or sexually involved; sweetheart.

4. A frequent or favorite female companion; sweetheart.

5. A female lover.  (THANK YOU DICTIONARY PERSON!)


You see?  A girlfriend is a fave companion and sometimes for the non-homophobic people writing dictionaries, a female lover for other females.  Mostly they like the word, “sweetheart.”  Weird.  I don’t know why this dictionary I use likes the word “sweetheart.”  I like it too, but I call my kids sweetheart…. which now is totally creepy.

Anyhoo, nowhere in the dictionary is a girlfriend considered a spouse or life partner.  They’re the person you hang with or have sex with and it would seem is a transient relationship.  It is not a life time commitment.  When you are ready to commit your life to your girlfriend then they become your fiancee, and eventually if you two are still madly head over heels in love with one another THEN you get married.  BUT, before that point you two are NOT married, you are dating one another only (unless you have come to terms to an open relationship) and it’s transient and flexible.  You are testing waters for the possibility of marriage, or lifetime partner (if you don’t like marriage) status.

Now, albeit, sometimes you live with your girlfriend and then that is a live-in girlfriend and you two still understand that you are not married.  Of course, that is totally up to the two consenting adults as to how much of family and property the two want to share in this relationship.

Overall, what I’m trying to say is when I go out on a date I can leave the date and never call the person back because maybe it didn’t work out.  I won’t be a douche or impolite, but I will let them know that we didn’t click on my end.  There are levels and understandings as to how far your relationship has gone when you start phase 2 and begin calling said other person your girlfriend.

You are now at a Second Level of COMMITMENT – “Girlfriend-hood.”

As the definition states you are now pretty much only seeing this woman.  She’s your go-to gal.

When you’re ready to break up then you both conclude it’s over, or one of the members realizes their girlfriend is bat-shit crazy and simply runs as fast as she can in the opposite direction of the girlfriend until there is a giant “X” on the spot where that girlfriend used to live.  (It means ex…?)

Should one feel guilty for dumping the girlfriend?  No.  Should the world end for the one who was dumped?  No.

Relationships in life happen and each brings a new lesson and each brings a new hardship, as well as, new joys.  That’s the really cool thing about interacting with other beings on this earth.  You have to see the positive and not the negative.

Now, if crazy bitch ex-girlfriend starts visiting you at your job, or parking across the street where you live and you notice later a few jars by your car with yellowish fluid, or running their keys across your truck all Carrie Underwood style then… you really know how to pick them.  I’m very sorry you had a relationship with a psycho.

(pauses a moment for the death knoll, or the Psycho theme song written by that wonderful Bernard Hermann)

Brrrrrrrr that song gave me chills, what a scary movie.

BUT, overall most ex-girlfriends are NOT psychos and are simply processing the loss of your wonderful person hood.  Be thankful you are that AWESOME.  You are so awesome a girl might feel a tremendous hole left where you at one time were (badum). :D


Let’s just listen to an epic hero theme, or Superman – oh yeah!)

Man, I geeked out on this song.  I LOVED this show!

[On a random note: I own Superman socks and they are so cool!  They're in the drawer by my Wonder Woman socks. :D]


And so, what I’m trying to say in this very long and drawn out blog post is that I’m single again!

And you know what?  That’s okay.

I love my friends and family.  We have fun together.  I love my God.  I enjoy the times I spend just meditating and talking to God.  I’m good with our relationship.

If a woman in the future wants to be my favored female (haha, that definition just sounds funny) companion and understands we’re just dating and this doesn’t mean marriage or engagement, then I’d enjoy that.

I’m at Dating 101 right now in my gay life.

Women out there who want more from me, sorry I’m not committing more until  we both feel the same connection at the EXACT same time.

Already Married Once… to a Man

I have been married.  I was married 22 years to a man and many of those years if I’m being honest were pretty decent, but it just didn’t feel right.  I wish I could make straight women understand that a gay woman married to a man is not a win-win situation for either part of the couple.  Neither is ever fulfilled in the marriage.

The only way I think I can make a straight woman relate to how I felt in marriage is to tell them consider living for 22 years and having to have sex with a woman every day of your life because its what the social norms tell you to do and you better enjoy it.  You will find if you are truly straight it doesn’t feel so great.

I’m glad he’s found a woman who shares his interest and they attend the same church and he looks good and happy now.  Mostly, his new girlfriend is straight and that’s a big plus for the guy.  I’m truly and honestly very happy for him.  I knew he’d be better off not living in a lie.

Shucks, I am so much better off! *big grin*

The God-Lover in Me…

Wow, so this boils down to something I’ve come to realize after this last break-up.  I fell in love with my first girlfriend because of her love for God, primarily Jesus.  I’m a real Jesus Freak and I make no apologies for that.  That was the biggest turn on for me.  I am a God-lover at heart and I find your love for God so attractive.  It draws me in.  The woman I marry (because I still oddly believe in this concept as a gay woman) will love the Lord first and me second.  She will have that brightness that comes from within because you stoke the flames of the Holy Spirit/God in your heart.  You care and love God and others and its real.

Now, that is obviously the main factor, but of course there are other variables: There will be a physical attraction and a personality attraction and she better be almost as damn funny as me, or at least get my dorky humor and know how to laugh.  Overall, I know I will know her when she walks into my life.  It will not take an effort to make myself believe I love her, it will be effortless.

I am not looking any more for a girlfriend.  I love people.  I truly do love others and if I’m friendly and you find me attractive or love to bask in my awesomeness (plays that epic hero theme again) then that’s cool.

Of course, I’m not saying that I won’t ever date or have a future girlfriend, but remember that if we are not engaged it is probably not a long term life decision.  You will, however, have lots of fun with me.  I’m a very fun person to hang with, and what is life if not to enjoy and have fun with others? ;)