Maybe to truly know God is to know our Creator and that which gives us each breath, whether beauty or harshness in life, is a gift from our God definitively; but, to question life and knowing all the answers indefinitely.
Perhaps, it is boundless thankfulness and grace, and unbound curiosity and wonder?
God is so big and we so little; our soul so big, but our earthly presence so small?
Knowing God is definitive; realizing God is indefinite…a search and sojourn that never ends.
Is this God’s gift to us… the child in us?
“Search Me and know Me, for I Am God.”
The book was opened long ago, and the story goes on for us bibliophiles of all good writing and authors.
For Father’s Day I want to acknowledge my Heavenly Father that pulled me out of darkness when He/She first decided to light this little spark of God within me by giving me life, and telling me of a great love for me.
Love has been my guide. It draws and defines. Without love we learn that everything is empty and meaningless. If hate guides, then only destruction follows. If love guides, then only building and foundations are constructed.
A life is given and easily taken away, but a love is never lost by time. It stays. Present. Deep in the confines of our soul only the guidance of love pushes us forward to be a positive energy to other life around us.
Jesus Christ in all of this?
Jesus Christ loved.
I’ve read so many writings from all perspectives of Jesus Christ and realized He was truly loved by God and truly loved God. That is very difficult to find such purity of love for another.
The message of love was worth dying. It always is. Because life goes on and it doesn’t end with one life because death has no power over life, and so when Christ hung on that cross and was cruelly killed by the jealousy of those who hated His influence and hated the message of love because it meant the power or rules and regulation would have no meaning, and judgment is always trumped by mercy, that was merely a section of the story.
God is life and love and to live a life in God is to know the Spirit that is eternally within. Feed it and stoke it to brightness so that it shines on all of the rest of creation. This is knowledge that is worth instructing and sharing.
Jesus Christ had a following because for once a human being knew thyself, and knew who He was within the scheme of life and God.
Confidence. Security. Peace from deep within.
At that time period among the Jews they were always worried, “Did I do this? Did I do that?” Always fretting and scared they had somehow not done enough to please God.
Jesus knew He was pleasing to God. There was nothing left to do – He knew God loved Him as is. That’s an appealing personality trait.
Not appealing to those who prefer to control the masses (like Pharisees – or anyone in power for that matter), but to normal human beings it’s very appealing.
Where am I heading with this?
My son told me that I needed to “Know thy self.” He says this because I tend to go to other humans, relationships, people and anywhere and everywhere for answers, except to gaze deep within and see God within me. God is within me.
God is within me. Always ready to talk and instruct through love. Truly the best parent.
If we consider this further we realize we are part of God. I won’t say we are God, because despite us being God, we aren’t. Whaaaa….???? Yes, that doesn’t make sense, and yet it’s the most sensible conundrum of life.
Let’s take the Father/Mother theory: Our parent’s blood flows through us so that we can have similar DNA, but we are still not our parents and they are not us. Parents, if they are good parents (and God is the best there is) will love and want what’s best for the child and see that child grow and go on to do bigger and better things with their life, than the parent ever did. They will love unconditionally that child and know they can’t live that child’s life, but they can uplift, guide, and cheer on that child. God is like that parent who you can do nothing to take away the love they have for you, but if you go on a good path God smiles and is happy with your decisions. All ‘God parent’ wants is for you to go on and love others as He/She has loved you.
Love sustains a life. God and good parents understand this fact about love – true love.
Or…let’s take the ocean theory: We are all drops in the ocean that goes on and on and never stops reproducing by flowing throughout the earth and becoming rain and clouds and then going back to the ocean and its neverending. God is the ocean and we are the drops. We might be a large river or tributary, but we are all still not the ocean.
Life is like that. There is never anything exactly like another.
So now, stop and mull ‘us…’
Look outside and find two of the EXACT same things in nature. Similar? Yes. But nothing is exactly the same.
Trees? Blades of grass? Cement chips off the sidewalk? Humans walking by? Flowers? Leaves? The bunny that hopped by?
Nothing is exactly the same. Chaos theory? Maybe Jeff Goldblum was right in Jurassic Park? Haha (Now I want to watch that movie again.)
Even so-called Christians say they are filled with the Holy Spirit of God, and yet they don’t act like they are. We always look for God outside ourselves, and yet God is outside, but also inside. We don’t really live the theory of God.
Johann (my son) said, “Everyone ‘thinks’ they know who they are, but they all know who they want others to know who they are. They start their day and the first one they lie to is themselves.”
This made me think. Are we all merely walking caricatures of characters we’ve created?
My new girlfriend made me think, as well. (A good relationship always makes you think.)
And people are great at making us think, but eventually we have to leave people and spend time alone with God and ourselves. Thinking is an individual sport.
Who are you?
Who am I?
Who am I in God?
Am I God, or merely another construct of an amazing Creator?
Purpose?
The search for that is worth the finding in and of itself, perhaps…?
This is where my questions have led, but I do know this fact: God is an amazing Father to be acknowledged on Father’s Day, and so maybe all I need to do is end on… “Thank You, my Lord and Creator, because You love me through all of this.”
I wanted to post something because I have a new girlfriend.
She’s the beautiful horsewoman, Christine. I love her smile in this picture. See her dimple?
This girlfriend is different. I am not Ga-ga crazy in love with her, but I am slowly falling in love with her so that its a roiling deep at the pit of my stomach and warming through my chest and up into my brain. I get those a-ha moments while she’s talking over spiritual things, or sharing about her life, or staring into my eyes, where I just say, “A-ha, there’s just something about this girl.” Its fun to “fall in love.”
I think of her in such a full and normal way, and oh how I love being with her in every mode of loving a woman. She’s my dream kick-ass kung fu chick! (We’ll be sparring later with weaponry – so cool! Since I’m a closet fantasy/sci-fi nerd.)
This is not a crush. I’m not writing music and poetry to her every night, though I have written her small bits of prose. I am not praying and writing psalms of thanksgiving for her entering my life. I am not staring at her photo non-stop, though it is a beautiful photo to look at. Basically, I am not obsessed. I’m falling for her.
My first girlfriend – engagement – and first relationship as a new lesbian was intensely all in my mind. I was obsessed with someone who loved everything about me before we’d even met since she lived in another country.
It was the new thing. It was “new.” Being loved because of my writing and soul was a new thing for me. Being loved as my true homosexual self was a new thing. All the other relationships as a heterosexual woman never felt right and that’s because I was not fully who I was supposed to be as a human being. I was living with a secret deep inside and basically lying to myself. You can’t live your life always lying to yourself. Lies eventually come to the surface and are exposed.
You walk around carrying this hidden guilt that you sometimes even hide from your true self and the hatred and self-loathing grows and makes its home in your soul until soon you are drowning from the inside.
Did you know that it’s possible that after saving a near drowning victim you can take them home, all seems normal, and in the night they can still die? Do you know why? It’s called secondary drowning, and the cause is considered pulmonary edema, like what happens when you have pneumonia. It’s because there is just enough fluid left over to not oxygenate the blood cells. That’s why you need to monitor drowning victims for at least 48 hours.
It’s like that. You seem so healthy and normal on the outside, but inside you are drowning and dying.
I hadn’t had someone love me for… well, for “me” – gay me. And so I became obsessed at the feeling of being loved as the whole me.
But that was a lie. Once she met me she could see there was no physical connection. At first, yes, but it didn’t last. She was still physically in love with her ex. She’d be with me and her ex would enter her thoughts. I could see that, despite my hopefully wishing it wasn’t happening. Reality had to eventually strike.
Thus…we ended. I’m here and she’s there. I truly hope she and her partner are doing well.
First lesbian love. It’s something all humans experience – first love.
So theeeeeennnn…
I met another woman who filled up that need for me to learn and progress. She filled my intelligence and wonder as I’ve been sojourning through life, but I was rebounding from the ex in another country.
Again, it didn’t feel right. Something was not right because there was no physical passion, only intellectual passion. She became a trusted friend. I truly liked her as a person.
And then we broke up because I knew – probably from the first week if I’m honest – that I was not in love with her. I was filling an emptiness, and in that it was a grave disservice to a wonderful woman that did not deserve to be in that position. I messed up.
And so I am here again: falling in love. Could it be I’m falling in love…?
Please enjoy The Spinners. There were so many wonderful groups of soul music in the 70s, but The Spinners were quite possibly my favorite.
Man, I used to wake up every Saturday and turn on the TV to Soul Train. That was my favorite show when I was a poor, small black child of the 70s. (That’s a movie reference! Major points if you remember. *wink*) I am pretty sure I saw this performance back when it was originally aired.
Anyhoo…
Love encompasses passion about the total person. The total person in personality, in emotional fulfillment and sane comfort, in spiritual quest, and in raw physical passion, and truly enjoying your time together and how just thinking about that person makes you smile quietly and say, “I’m really happy.” Its something that lingers, the way a warm drink lingers in your chest on a cold night, and then you grab for that fluffy blanket and wrap yourself up and then close your eyes and soon you are falling asleep feeling safe and warm. You wake and the blanket is still there and you grip it a little tighter because you can’t help but want that one more moment of cuddling warmth.
I am not sure Christine the Wonder Woman is my true love, my soul mate, my everything. I don’t know what is in the future. I know that she fulfills the criteria I’ve had at the back of my mind for the woman I want to walk through life with and that is because she’s a musician, kung fu artist, compassionate toward the less fortunate, loves animals, has a beautiful soul, funny, 5’3″ (I honestly wanted someone this height for a reason), constantly is learning new things, is a warrior (in case of the zombie invasion) and can handle any weaponry, fuckin healthy (yes, there was a pun in that), and has golden eyes (that was the added bonus).
And so, yeah she is my dream woman, and in that… I think falling in love is pretty unavoidable at this point.
Cappuccino! Hi Chris!
Cappuccino too! Hi Val!
And we both LOVE COFFEE! That is a definite deal sealer.
I am now a member of the elite class known as “lesbian.”
I have joined the club.
I think…? Mostly, I think I now know what myriad “nice guys” feel about women: utterly and totally confused.
I’ll admit I’m a bit of a dude lesbian. I’m still quite feminine in my maternal way, but I’m also very laidback and a dude in my casual and easygoing way. As you will note in my ordination as a Dudeist Priest:
Cool enough for a Fender Strat posing!
Thanks to one of my best buds in the world, Maeve, she has ordained me in the Church of Latter Day Dudes (The Big Lebowski).
See? John Goodman makes it official
I laughed when she gave me this and it was possibly one of the sweetest presents I’ve ever received. ^__^
However, there is something I’ve learned about lesbians in this last year. Now understand, I’m a newbie lesbian and I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. I’m more of the utilitarian little pocket knife.
Case in point: Meet a woman. Fall madly in love: first love and the love of your life. She breaks your heart. You rebound with another woman. Fall in love…ish? You break her heart (or, just break up) because you are not over the first woman. You then start dating because you are lonely and miss cuddling and… other things…cause new lesbianism is a whole new experience and you are enjoying the experience, ya know? (And you might possibly be like a dude and like women.) You find out there is a code of similarities that all lesbians do. Who knew? If you are a clueless type like me you consistently break the code and act like a dufus around the cool lesbians.
I am a dork. Just an up front note for you all, I am a major dork and nerd.
You find there are lesbians who are looking for a soul mate (which leads to scary proclamations of LOVE within a few shared messages and makes you think you’ve entered crazy land) and then the cool lesbians who think you are a dork upon first meeting, write you off and never speak to you again because you’re a dork.
… :/
I met a few of those and believe me; I was all but ready to hand over my lesbian card to them, throw my hands up and yell, “Yes it’s true! I’m a fake!” and then run along crying and whimpering like a little girl. Is this what happens to guys?
Along with my total neurosis with feelings of ineptitude in daily situations, I was also picked on a quite a bit in high school. I just don’t do the cool thing well. I have begun to feel like I’m back in high school, waiting for an apple to be thrown at the back of my head, my lunch tray kicked so the food falls in a heap by my feet, or my books to be grabbed and tossed to the floor. (You know, I still wonder why all the kids picked on me at school – so weird. They said I looked funny.)
That’s almost embarrassing…
Really? I really don’t look like that, but I was having a bad hair day, as well as dressed poorly for work, and those glasses do nothing for me when I pose that way, and damn I have big nostrils….
…
And so, another friend told me that giving a flower on a date is very “lesbian.”
Aww a flower from my daughter, and she’s not a lesbian
Who knew?
I never read the code book. Drinking coffee? Lesbian. Dogs? Lesbian. Cats? Lesbian and many straight girls. Music? Oh wow, there is a whole bunch of lesbian musicians that all lesbians listen to: Ani Difranco, Melissa Etheridge (a must), The Indigo Girls, Tegan and Sara, and quite a few others…. And if you haven’t listened to, nor have any of these on your iPod, you will have this stunned look of surprise by lesbians that question your orientation. This is worthy of handing over your lesbian card in and of itself. They already question me for being in a heterosexual marriage for over 20 years, and some of the looks make you think they suspect you of counter-espionage. But, to be clear, I simply have a high pain tolerance and am quite a bit stronger than my barely over five foot person may look.
I either do or don’t do things that lesbians do and I’m finding out there is this whole other culture, like I’ve stepped onto an undiscovered island and I’m just trying to acclimate to their way of life and speak their tongue. (Speaking of tongues, you realize lesbians are really good kissers.) (But I digress…. But yes, lesbians have amazing tongues – just sayin…. Anyone else feel like a taco? *winkwink*)
(Badum – oh yes, I went there!)
I realized as I met with a lifelong lesbian that I just don’t “get it.” I didn’t know you were supposed to do things a certain way, nor did I know I wasn’t supposed to do things a certain way. You dress a certain way, and you certainly don’t wear that! You have a lesbian vernacular. You have secret handshakes (no, haha, I made that up… and I pretty much make up a lot of what I write – but, go with it).
I thought I could simply be the person I am and have no tags other than “Me.” But apparently that is not the case in the lesbian dating world.
I ended up writing a song in my consternation with lesbianism and it’s called, Had Enough. (That, and it had a theme that I thought would sound cool for my first country song.) It was a compilation of feelings I’ve had for months and then this last discussion with two of my friends who have basically ‘had enough’ of crazy lesbian chicks. One woman is getting texts that proclaim how she dreamed of them sharing “I do’s” on a beach and that dream has been ruined because her texts are not being returned. (Well YEAH, she’s kind of gone bat-shit cwazy cwackers on her!) To which my friend told me, “What. The. Fuck?” They had only shared a couple of dates. Another friend of mine has a woman who wants to be with her and then doesn’t and has been doing this for years. I can attest to knowing a woman who self hates and loathes that she’s a lesbian and just can’t seem to shake this self-loathing. Why? She thinks God will disown her because of her gayness. That makes no sense. What God is she following? I don’t know this God of hers, but she seems pretty set on this premise that homosexuality is the only sin that gives you a one way ticket to hell. That is simply mind-boggling… but also quite saddening.
In fact, it’s why I still keep writing on this blog. If only one woman can realize God loves you and doesn’t hate you for being gay then I am happy to oblige your misunderstanding of God. God is love – end and beginning of your story.
And then I look at myself and see I am a person who has possibly made someone think they’ve had enough. I can run hot and then cold quite easily and yes, that could be blamed on my neurosis and randomness, or hot flashes, but I honestly recover quite quickly since I’m like the most easygoing person you will ever meet. I really don’t lie when I say you can pretty much do anything to me and I will forgive you. Mercy is my middle name (no, it’s ‘Hope,’ but you get the gist).
You tell me, “Hey, stop acting stupid,” and more than likely I’ll smile, perk up a brow (like I’m doing in my photo over at the side) and say, “Really? Wow. Are you sure?” To which they answer, “Yes. You’re reading too much into this and over thinking.” One of my best buds is great at shaking the stupid out of me in this way. Haha. I’ll shake the cobwebs of misunderstanding out of my head and realize I was acting stupid, or possibly just lost in thoughts of my ex again.
(My ex is someone who invades and pervades my thoughts a lot these days. It’s been exactly one year and I’m still not over her. Why is that? Is this love or obsession? I’m pretty sure its messing up any love life I have now. I’ve basically spent this South Africa anniversary week – it been exactly one year ago I traveled there – in a fog and random fits of tears.)
(Wow….)
(Sighhhhh….)
(I’m just very sad….)
Time for an iconic corny 80s video to sing along with…
Ah, one of the most popular and best known vids of the time (I’ll post the original at the end).
Anyhoo, on with this discussion, it is that you’ll find when you meet a new lesbian she will either fall madly in love with you or hate you for only one misstep. It’s not like having a best friend. It’s like having a new worst enemy. It can happen in moments. I can’t say this is always the case, but I’m finding it to be a common case.
I barely blinked once and lost a friend over what? I’m not sure. I honestly wish I knew how the lesbian mind thinks.
And then another woman still talks to me…but doesn’t? I’m not sure. This is a conundrum that I won’t go into.
And so how do I just be “me” and the person I am and wade through this new life as a lesbian? I’ve given up on dating…sorta. I’m not a Catholic Priest, I’m a Dudeist Priest after all, and that’s so different.
I am hoping to simply enjoy the people who like me for me and be kind to everyone else and then organically some woman if she comes into my life will simply be there and I will know. I have my moments, but I don’t wallow in those moments.
I need to stop thinking and reading too much into relationships. Come what may is not a bad mantra: Love, be kind, and not judge. I do have a tendency to judge a situation or person too easily. I am probably reading more into something than there is to read. It’s my crazy imagination again. Thus the name of this post, “Persona(fiction?),” because that is my own fictional thoughts and world entering my real life.
In all seriousness, just be you and people will love you for who you are and if they don’t then they aren’t people worth having in your life. I have the most awesome friends and kids, and some friends that are like my kids, that I love so much. I’m having the best part of my life right now, and it gets better in life all the time. You start growing up and the world grows around you in all types of ways. But you really have to know love, and know how to love yourself. I’m guessing you are a pretty awesome person to know too.
So, be happy and chill dudes!
Onto other random things…
Good Books in a Good Life…
I just finished reading a very good book. This one was written by a modern day heretic. No, he’s not a heretic, but he has been labeled that by the ‘established’ religion of our time called Christianity. His name is Bishop Carlton Pearson and he has truly been enlightened by God. I loved this book. I’ve gleaned some great talking points and insight. It’s titled, The Gospel of Inclusion. I think everyone should read this book, and as one reviewer, Arun Ghandi, proclaimed, “A book for all sane people to read and digest.” Again, I have to thank my ex, Willow, for buying this book for me to read. She was right – it’s very, very good.
She’s a cool lesbian but has enough dork in her to actually like me.
You realize with thinking comes questions and then comes understanding. God is brilliant. God is not stuffed into a bunch of pages, but God is everywhere and when you continue searching you continue knowing more and more. It really doesn’t stop. I wish I could shake so many people who have ended their quest and tell them, “No! No, it’s just begun! If you still have breath then you still have a brain, and so use it and continue wondering and thinking and asking because that’s when you find truth.”
I love that the Spirit of God lives in me and never stops prodding me forth to know my God more fully every day.
Jesus Christ had a message that has been so lost and fuddled to near extinction. The church we know and religion wrote their doctrines and stamped their creeds and left it to die in the grave of the past. We need to move forward and progress. Tradition does nothing but tells you that you’ve already made it and need look no further, but that is such a horrible lie to tell yourself. God is active. God is alive. He didn’t die thousands of years ago in an ancient text, or on a cross. He spoke, yes, but He also gave a cornerstone to build upon. You don’t ever leave a building to just sit and crumble. You continue to maintain it and add rooms as the family grows and you sometimes knock down walls that are no longer fit and rebuild better walls. You don’t simply let it sit there and fall apart.
Religion is dead. Christ is alive. Churches falter. God’s Spirit has no fault. Who is more worthy to listen to? A dead religion or a living God?
I’ll leave you with these words from, The Gospel of Inclusion. There were so many great quotes and I couldn’t possibly fit them all here on a blog, but I’ll share these last words on why it’s so important for us to preach a gospel of love and not hate. This is a message worth sharing:
For the true Christian, evangelizing should begin with oneself, being born again with each new day, conveying the message of hope, and recreating this world as a place of love, compassion, preservation of beauty, respect for nature and peace; peace and love above all else.
We owe it to God and ourselves to enter a covenant of love with every experience and encounter. The word “neighbor” consists of two English words that mean “near by.” Loving your neighbor means loving everyone and everything you encounter without condition. Everything you experience has love in it somewhere. Each encounter exposes part of the self you must love, because each encounter reveals more of the essence of who you really are. Life is good. Life is God. He does not reside in a church, a Bible, a doctrine, or a sermon. He resides in you and me and every one of us. We are each a church. Christ resides in each of us, if we can find the wisdom to see Him.
(Bishop Carlton Pearson, pg. 209, The Gospel of Inclusion)
Be blessed amigos and peace out! (And the “original” Whitesnake video for your enjoyment.)
I have to comment on an earlier post. I’ve since edited the post, “Where Do I Begin,” (It was the Feb. 15th post) and hope that it appeases some who I may have upset. I think you know who you are, but I do apologize and won’t comment any further.
This month, I am coming up on a year anniversary of when I stayed in South Africa, April 29th to May 19th (the day before her birthday) where I met and fell in love with someone so special there are no words to describe her beauty inside and out.
Recently, I’ve had several dreams about the people of that country (always her in the distance) and I’ve awoken feeling… bothered? I have this morose that has come over me and sadness. I’m not sure why. Is it a psychic thing or simply that subconsciously this anniversary is plaguing my thoughts? Does she now hate me? Is this God telling me it’s time to move on? I really don’t know.
The thing is – does it even matter?
I need to move on with my life. I know this. Deep down…I know this is how it must be. Toto songs, not withstanding, I have to get past Africa.
Sorry, I just had to place the song, haha. It’s catchy and it’s karaoke version! ^^
Anyhoo, my love will not die, but my life will go on as Celine Dion has sang…
Sigh… yes, I have to place this song too.
This is actually a favorite song that was newly introduced to me by a woman I have very deep feelings for in another state. (She is so damn cute!) I can’t help myself because I find I fall for women that are near, far and wherever they are – women are simply too awesome to stop loving.
And so, yes, I am a corny romantic. I was playing my guitar and sharing music with another singer/songwriter (a very lovely and attractive lesbian with big blue eyes, that if I was smart I would fall in love with her, but… time will tell because she is also a fire sign and as you who have ever looked up zodiac signs knows: fire + fire = HOT).
And where was I?
Oh yes, I have been told to move on. My heart will go on. South Africa will always hold a piece of my heart and soul. My love is not lost and my phone number is the same… just sayin…. haha
Thank you to my Twin (she knows who she is) and my good friends that steer me in the right direction, like the one who is the well-balanced Libra that loaned me her Nag Hammadi (which has some really awesome writings like the Gospel of Truth – my fave so far), who remind me when I get overwhelmed by sadness because my heart will always love that one woman in South Africa (but I know it’s not meant to be) that I have a life path that is blessed and worth living…and not with her.
I am truly blessed with beautiful children and very good friends and a life that just keeps getting better and better on this sojourn. God, if you seek with all your heart and soul, is found.
God is truly my greatest love and because of this fact, I know my heart will go on and on and on. Without seeking you are lost. God loves. God loves you. My passion and love I realize has always had the end game to God and so…I hope you will all be blessed by such a great love. I have loved and been loved by wonderful people in my life and I know this is only the beginning. It’s only the beginning for all of you too.
And Now the Poetry…
Under the Full Moon’s Sky
I want to sit under the full moon on a park bench with you
I’d sit beside you and we wouldn’t speak
My arm would carefully lie across the back of the bench, never touching
Knowing it would stay there, lounging like a giant iguana in the sun
Basking in the light of the full moon’s face
We’d be near, but never close
My personal space would touch the edge of the your personal space
My hand would grip the back of the park bench
The heat of your body, always so warm, would emanate and touch my hand
I would grasp the air so tightly, but would never feel its source
We’d watch the moon for hours
Elapsing of time would change because of where it would sit in the sky
Clouds would pass and change the view
At times it would be covered, and other times only nipped at the edges, and then
It would peek out until it would appear gloriously in its fullness and we’d sit
Quietly… quietly and watching it
I’d sing songs in my head to you, “I love you… I love you….”
Songs you’ll never hear
Your skin always smells faintly of berries and smoke, and Dove soap
With just a touch of skin, powdery and fresh
I love your smell even when you tell me you haven’t bathed for days
Everything about you is alluring
As we watch, the moon passes through the night sky
We sit, never touching, only feeling that I’ve seen beauty
But knowing I’ll never hold this beauty and only admire it in the distance
Until it sinks behind the horizon and the sun takes its place
I finally updated my coming out story. You can go here and read it, if you’d like. I’ll post my “Edit Note” here. I’m not really sure why it took so long to update, but it did.
Let’s just say my ‘coming out’ has been a process just as all our lives are a process. We grow up, expand our knowledge, learn to love others, spread kindness and goodness, and seek our God with unending passion, or we sit and eventually grow moldy and stale and are no good to the rest of our fellow earth dwellers (animals and plants included).
I want to be that change, as Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
But I would add to his quote and say, “Be the change that you wish would affect another life, the life right beside you; that which brightens your own spirit.” It’s more personal for each individual. Each of us is superbly ordinary and superbly extraordinary all at the same time. It’s in this dichotomy that God works and eludes our understanding so that we are always on the cusp of finding God, but never “there” and thus, our search never ends. It’s the neverending story in real life.
I pray you all keep searching and don’t stop believing, as that other famous philosopher, Steve Perry (with two other guys that no one remembers) once wrote. ^^ haha
(That means I must post a corny 80s video, that I know you all love.)
Karaoke version! Time to sing to your computer screen.
I have never shared this information before but… my daughter is extremely artistic and talented. I know, I know… she’s my daughter and is so gifted and she amazes me with her stupendous awesomeness that knows no bounds and I’m pretty sure she has evolved past ordinary humans and perhaps is part of a generation of evolved creatures that think a little better, care a little deeper, and love more unbiased, and I think humanity benefits from this age group. (We may yet have hope people of earth, haha.)
I am blessed that she is my daughter.
Sarah, a.k.a. Lisbeth, and her knit cap of cuteness
Adorable, right?
She started a new site when she recently turned the glorious age of 21 (this month), WafflesCreationson Etsy to sell her goods. (The name “Waffles” comes from a term of affection by her big brother, Joshua, a.k.a. Johann.)
She draws, paints, composes, plays piano beautifully, and is a crafty/artsy type who sews and makes all types of cute things.
Anything related to pop culture or niche fandoms and she will probably know what it is and how to make it. She’ll custom design and make you plushies or pillows, or pillow cases, or draw some design and place it on a T-shirt. She’s simply an amazingly gifted young lady.
A few of her recent designs since she’s on a dwarf kick (get it, Kili?) after The Hobbit:
She will pretty much draw anything (has an especially cute chibified Robin and many comic book characters) that you might even think is too obscure. Please feel free to ask her and I think you’ll be surprised. She is even a #Bronies gal.
So? If you all are interested in a special, one-of-a-kind gift for someone you love please consider visiting my daughter’s site and ask her if she is able (which I am sure she is) to make that special little present for self, or for another.
Where do I begin, to tell the story… of how great a love can be?
Do you also hear Andy Williams singing in your head when you read those words?
Eh, might as well post the YouTube video. Enjoy Andy Williams. He passed away this last year so this is timely. (This is also for you, Willow. I’m sorry we couldn’t work out, but then who knows what life brings, right?):
Which brings me to this: I broke up with my girlfriend, Willow, after Christmas.
Me, myself, and I broke up with my girlfriend…. Yes, pause a moment and consider why. I do that often. I’m still trying to figure out why I broke it off. I do still love her, but I’m not “in” love with her. That’s different, right? Does that even make sense?
We still talk practically every day. I enjoy talking to her and I hope she enjoys talking to me.
I think that helps us both heal to not just cut off communication. If you stay friends it helps both heal properly. Willow has helped me in my walk through life.
Which brings me to something else that I would love to share.
You see, thanks to Willow (my ex-girlfriend who is truly an awesome woman), I am getting involved in the world around me in a less ethnocentric and more worldcentric, and eye-opening spiritual way. I’ve been reading all kinds of books to help me understand and grow closer to God. I’ve been meditating and talking to God, but then I’ve done this before. I’ve started reading the Gnostic Gospels – mainly Mary Magdalene and Thomas’s. (No, this does not mean I’ve gone full heretic or become a gnostic of some gnostic order, I’m simply reading other accounts of when Jesus was here on earth, yeesh. I am only a follower of my God.) I’ve also been keeping up with news and current events to stay in the know about the world around me and our country. I stopped only watching Fox news YEARS ago, which I did while married to my conservative husband, and its amazingly awakening to see how brainwashed people are who watch that TV station. It’s almost laughable, if it wasn’t such a real damaging problem to our country. Over half their commentary is flat out lying and people buy it. Seriously folks, at least watch all the stations and get a rounded view of the world. BBC? AP? MSNBC? (Rachel Maddow is hot – just sayin… haha) I’m truly amazed adults believe everything someone on Fox News state as if fact, but then I’m not one to judge. You see, I was once one of those brain-washed followers – much to my embarrassment. My brain cells thank me I stopped watching years ago and I came up for air.
I am also finally being fed with more than the Bible. Please, it’s not that the Bible is bad. The Bible is necessary for all of us to know God at a deeper level and to truly know more of God. God did speak to the authors of Scripture. It is, in my opinion, the best book to know who God truly is and that’s why it is here for us to know God. But, you and you alone, between you and God in your quiet time, your meditative time, your time where you listen and speak to God, is the only way you find God. He is not trapped on paper because He is God! God is God!
(And let me disclaimer, that I use the “He” pronoun with God, but God is not a gender pronoun and so you may specify the “it” or “she” or “they” pronoun, but I’m simply using it for a common grammar usage while writing. I know God is no gender. God is God – simply put.)
Now, you will also not find God in a rabble-rousing spiritual experience with thousands of other worshipers because that’s worshiping God. It’s why I hear from young people that after they leave these big conferences they feel so let down and far from God. It’s because they were merely experiencing a large group worshiping and that feels awesome, but God surpasses that group. God is where you are. See? Right here. Ooh, big concept!
No, if you want to know God then like any other friendship or relationship you have to spend actual time with God and talk to God and learn how to love God on your own. No one in this world can show you how. Our growth and closeness to God only comes when we spend time with God.
There are things that help, but they only help. Books help. Others life experiences help. Church, a spouse, a friend and other relationships can help, but they are not God.
Am I making my point?
What I’m saying is that there is more to God than a book. Yes, I said it: there is more to God than words on paper. He is so much more. The Spirit of God is more. Christ means more. Everything is richer and deeper when you realize this is a love story of the deepest type of love story. Even the true name of God no human has uttered because how do you name the word of love that is outside human understanding? You simply cannot. Humans do not love the way God loves, but then that’s the point of living – to grow in love with others and God. It makes life worthwhile. Love truly matters.
And so, on my quest to find truth, and learn how to love as my God loves, I’ve concluded it is going to be a long road that I am traveling on and so I hope you all who read my blog will enjoy joining my travels on this road of life.
I cannot emphasize enough how much more God is for you to understand. There is a richness and deepness that surpasses all understanding. It says this in Scripture. I am so blessed to have read the words of the Bible over and over again in my life because the content that God wanted me to know is always there at the forefront of my mind. God’s words to us are always there waiting to be spoken, remembered, and as encouragement to our every day life.
What I’m reading (a good help on this journey): Integral Christianity: The Spirit’s Call to Evolve, by Paul R. Smith
Haha, I copied from Amazon dot com.
Peeps, this is a pretty good book. I don’t agree with everything and I have many questions after reading this book, but its a good read. It’s written by a man who has pastored the same small church in Missouri for over 48 years. It’s one of those little “helps” that I spoke of earlier. He is sharing how he has grown closer to knowing God and sharing that with us and that’s a good thing. The Spirit does call us to evolve and we all do at different levels and it makes us all so cool.
Next to The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning, this has been one of the better books I’ve read this year. I suggest you all read several texts and mostly just speak to God. If you seek God you will find God. Seek your Lord with a pure devotion of love and you will truly find God.
“When I was a child I thought as a child, but now I’m ready to grow up,” as Paul once stated in the letter to the Corinthians.
And so, thank you Willow for loving me so well and being another person placed in my life that has brought me closer to my one true love, God, spoken through my Lord Jesus Christ.
Next up…
I began recording my songs (will let you all know how you can listen to them later).
This is something I’ve had a gift at doing for a long time. I’m a writer, but my first love is music. Since I was a small child, I always asked for an instrument of some type for my Christmas present. I’ve been creating music and writing songs since age eight or so and have played guitar since I was 12. I’ve performed, but only in church. I’ve sung in choirs and had solos. But, I’ve been writing songs for a long time.
Recently, I’d say in the last 10 years, I’ve actually been writing what I think is some pretty good stuff.
Well, thanks to my other friend, Maeve, who is a sound engineer I’m recording my music. And so, here is one song she recorded and hopefully there will be more to follow. We’ve done about 10 songs now and I’m looking forward to a demo eventually. I guess we’ll see.
(This song is actually perfect to lead in to my next bit of news that happened recently.)
Now for the sad news…
My dog, Comet (featured in previous posts), passed away a few months ago after living much longer (14+ years) than the vets had stated with his doggie AIDS. Goodbye my beloved dog. You were a wonderful friend to me.
My Comet
There he is. I jokingly called him “stalker dog” because he’d follow me everywhere. I wish I’d have loved him better. But, like good dogs he was always faithful. We can learn a lot from dogs on how to love unconditionally. Love you, Comey.
Enjoy my bit of music and may you be blessed on your journey. Thank you for reading.
I’m cleaning out my room and finding all these old manuscripts and writings, and I ran across some poetry. I barely recall writing half the stuff I find. Early onset of Alzheimer? Hah, I hope not.
Anyhoo, I don’t know when I wrote this since it isn’t dated. A little free verse?:
[Posting this a day later, but not for a dollar shorter. I wrote it yesterday while lounging about. I took Thanksgiving off and laid around, watched some TV shows on Netflix with my girl (catching up on Raising Hope and How I Met Your Mother), and ate things that are bad for me. You know, like most of America? Haha, oh wow, that sounded like I ate "most of America." Hmm... I would seriously need to hit the gym then, eh?
Oh yeah, so here is the post from yesterday...]
I’m on Face Time (a cool face-to-face phone call feature that two people with iPhone’s can talk for hours on and it’s almost like they are in the same room — but not) with my girlfriend and both of us are alone and in different states and so it’s not like we can cuddle or anything, which is kind of a bummer – a big bummer – but we’re making do and I told her I wanted to write a blog post today and so she told me (minister that she is) to write a post about what I’m thankful for…and so here goes:
1. I’m having an awesome hair day – really. And so is Willow. We just wake up and our hair amazingly falls into place.
(not a pic from today… but I’m too lazy to post a new one – close enough. I hadn’t showered in this pic either. This was taken while I was in San Francisco.)
2. I am alone on Thanksgiving Day and that means I don’t have to take part in the mass murder of turkeys because, why make a turkey for just me?
It’s like he’s staring right at you and crying, “I don’t want to die!” And it also looks like he’s wearing an 18th century parliamentary wig dyed red. He’s a fashionable turkey.
3. My kids (Lisbeth and her beau after traveling between families, and Johann) will all get together with me and we will have quesadillas with chicken. Okay, they are technically fowl too, but…uh… at least I will finally have some avocados. I LOVE avocados and that’s what I am especially thankful for, and cheese. Cheese DOES make everything better.
4. I have a wonderful girlfriend who understands I have many sides (she says multifaceted) and serious about my spirituality and family. She REALLY loves me. I’m actually amazed with that fact, since I’m very non-committal (mostly because of my last girlfriend) and um…weird.
5. My health is pretty good for a woman about to make the first turn past living half a century.
6. I have a job.
7. I am loved by God, my girlfriend, my friends and family, and random people (some call them stalkers, but I prefer the term “fans”).
8. I am reading some really awesome books and don’t have enough time to feed my brain with all these awesome books. That is so cool! I finally finished reading the writings of Hans Denck (how obscure is that?).
8. I have food and a home. There are many who still are without this wonderful blessing. (Please consider giving a little more this year, if you do happen to have when so many others do not have.)
9. I’m thankful for my dogs: Comet, Fuzzy and Jake
10. My country is diverse and free for the most part. It was a good election and for the first time (thanks to my politico and activist girlfriend) I was quite involved at watching the campaigns closely. It made me feel a part of the process, as skewed and crazy as it is.
…voting into the wee hours of the night
11. I am an honestly happy person.
12. I finally got a decent grade on one of my anthropology papers. Woo!
13. The sky is beautiful this time of year. Orion is present again, and I love seeing this constellation.
14. Life is pretty good.
That’s it for now. I am sure I could be thankful for so much more, but I have to end this post at a reasonable length. And so…
Is your “thank-tank” full?
The best part of Thanksgiving is that so many people reflect on the good things they have and are blessed with and then I can read all these posts and watch these videos, and also realize we humans live during an awesome time period in history.
Yes, this American holiday is a day of turkey mass murder and recalling when ancestors murdered a bunch of indigent people who were simply trying to figure out these white-skinned strangers; but hey that’s the thing about history – it’s the past and life is pretty much what you make of the present.
Since no one can change the past, we can certainly work on effecting the future of our planet, our fellow earth dwellers, and working on being better and being a human that loves and gives.
God is good and because He is so good we can be good too and really be part of the blessing. Yep, life is good. Please feel free to share in the comments your blessings and thank-full thoughts too.
