I am now a member of the elite class known as “lesbian.”
I have joined the club.
I think…? Mostly, I think I now know what myriad “nice guys” feel about women: utterly and totally confused.
I’ll admit I’m a bit of a dude lesbian. I’m still quite feminine in my maternal way, but I’m also very laidback and a dude in my casual and easygoing way. As you will note in my ordination as a Dudeist Priest:
Cool enough for a Fender Strat posing!
Thanks to one of my best buds in the world, Maeve, she has ordained me in the Church of Latter Day Dudes (The Big Lebowski).
See? John Goodman makes it official
I laughed when she gave me this and it was possibly one of the sweetest presents I’ve ever received. ^__^
However, there is something I’ve learned about lesbians in this last year. Now understand, I’m a newbie lesbian and I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. I’m more of the utilitarian little pocket knife.
Case in point: Meet a woman. Fall madly in love: first love and the love of your life. She breaks your heart. You rebound with another woman. Fall in love…ish? You break her heart (or, just break up) because you are not over the first woman. You then start dating because you are lonely and miss cuddling and… other things…cause new lesbianism is a whole new experience and you are enjoying the experience, ya know? (And you might possibly be like a dude and like women.) You find out there is a code of similarities that all lesbians do. Who knew? If you are a clueless type like me you consistently break the code and act like a dufus around the cool lesbians.
I am a dork. Just an up front note for you all, I am a major dork and nerd.
You find there are lesbians who are looking for a soul mate (which leads to scary proclamations of LOVE within a few shared messages and makes you think you’ve entered crazy land) and then the cool lesbians who think you are a dork upon first meeting, write you off and never speak to you again because you’re a dork.
I met a few of those and believe me; I was all but ready to hand over my lesbian card to them, throw my hands up and yell, “Yes it’s true! I’m a fake!” and then run along crying and whimpering like a little girl. Is this what happens to guys?
Along with my total neurosis with feelings of ineptitude in daily situations, I was also picked on a quite a bit in high school. I just don’t do the cool thing well. I have begun to feel like I’m back in high school, waiting for an apple to be thrown at the back of my head, my lunch tray kicked so the food falls in a heap by my feet, or my books to be grabbed and tossed to the floor. (You know, I still wonder why all the kids picked on me at school – so weird. They said I looked funny.)
That’s almost embarrassing…
Really? I really don’t look like that, but I was having a bad hair day, as well as dressed poorly for work, and those glasses do nothing for me when I pose that way, and damn I have big nostrils….
And so, another friend told me that giving a flower on a date is very “lesbian.”
Aww a flower from my daughter, and she’s not a lesbian
I never read the code book. Drinking coffee? Lesbian. Dogs? Lesbian. Cats? Lesbian and many straight girls. Music? Oh wow, there is a whole bunch of lesbian musicians that all lesbians listen to: Ani Difranco, Melissa Etheridge (a must), The Indigo Girls, Tegan and Sara, and quite a few others…. And if you haven’t listened to, nor have any of these on your iPod, you will have this stunned look of surprise by lesbians that question your orientation. This is worthy of handing over your lesbian card in and of itself. They already question me for being in a heterosexual marriage for over 20 years, and some of the looks make you think they suspect you of counter-espionage. But, to be clear, I simply have a high pain tolerance and am quite a bit stronger than my barely over five foot person may look.
I either do or don’t do things that lesbians do and I’m finding out there is this whole other culture, like I’ve stepped onto an undiscovered island and I’m just trying to acclimate to their way of life and speak their tongue. (Speaking of tongues, you realize lesbians are really good kissers.) (But I digress…. But yes, lesbians have amazing tongues – just sayin…. Anyone else feel like a taco? *winkwink*)
(Badum – oh yes, I went there!)
I realized as I met with a lifelong lesbian that I just don’t “get it.” I didn’t know you were supposed to do things a certain way, nor did I know I wasn’t supposed to do things a certain way. You dress a certain way, and you certainly don’t wear that! You have a lesbian vernacular. You have secret handshakes (no, haha, I made that up… and I pretty much make up a lot of what I write – but, go with it).
I thought I could simply be the person I am and have no tags other than “Me.” But apparently that is not the case in the lesbian dating world.
I ended up writing a song in my consternation with lesbianism and it’s called, Had Enough. (That, and it had a theme that I thought would sound cool for my first country song.) It was a compilation of feelings I’ve had for months and then this last discussion with two of my friends who have basically ‘had enough’ of crazy lesbian chicks. One woman is getting texts that proclaim how she dreamed of them sharing “I do’s” on a beach and that dream has been ruined because her texts are not being returned. (Well YEAH, she’s kind of gone bat-shit cwazy cwackers on her!) To which my friend told me, “What. The. Fuck?” They had only shared a couple of dates. Another friend of mine has a woman who wants to be with her and then doesn’t and has been doing this for years. I can attest to knowing a woman who self hates and loathes that she’s a lesbian and just can’t seem to shake this self-loathing. Why? She thinks God will disown her because of her gayness. That makes no sense. What God is she following? I don’t know this God of hers, but she seems pretty set on this premise that homosexuality is the only sin that gives you a one way ticket to hell. That is simply mind-boggling… but also quite saddening.
In fact, it’s why I still keep writing on this blog. If only one woman can realize God loves you and doesn’t hate you for being gay then I am happy to oblige your misunderstanding of God. God is love – end and beginning of your story.
And then I look at myself and see I am a person who has possibly made someone think they’ve had enough. I can run hot and then cold quite easily and yes, that could be blamed on my neurosis and randomness, or hot flashes, but I honestly recover quite quickly since I’m like the most easygoing person you will ever meet. I really don’t lie when I say you can pretty much do anything to me and I will forgive you. Mercy is my middle name (no, it’s ‘Hope,’ but you get the gist).
You tell me, “Hey, stop acting stupid,” and more than likely I’ll smile, perk up a brow (like I’m doing in my photo over at the side) and say, “Really? Wow. Are you sure?” To which they answer, “Yes. You’re reading too much into this and over thinking.” One of my best buds is great at shaking the stupid out of me in this way. Haha. I’ll shake the cobwebs of misunderstanding out of my head and realize I was acting stupid, or possibly just lost in thoughts of my ex again.
(My ex is someone who invades and pervades my thoughts a lot these days. It’s been exactly one year and I’m still not over her. Why is that? Is this love or obsession? I’m pretty sure its messing up any love life I have now. I’ve basically spent this South Africa anniversary week – it been exactly one year ago I traveled there – in a fog and random fits of tears.)
(I’m just very sad….)
Time for an iconic corny 80s video to sing along with…
Ah, one of the most popular and best known vids of the time (I’ll post the original at the end).
Anyhoo, on with this discussion, it is that you’ll find when you meet a new lesbian she will either fall madly in love with you or hate you for only one misstep. It’s not like having a best friend. It’s like having a new worst enemy. It can happen in moments. I can’t say this is always the case, but I’m finding it to be a common case.
I barely blinked once and lost a friend over what? I’m not sure. I honestly wish I knew how the lesbian mind thinks.
And then another woman still talks to me…but doesn’t? I’m not sure. This is a conundrum that I won’t go into.
And so how do I just be “me” and the person I am and wade through this new life as a lesbian? I’ve given up on dating…sorta. I’m not a Catholic Priest, I’m a Dudeist Priest after all, and that’s so different.
I am hoping to simply enjoy the people who like me for me and be kind to everyone else and then organically some woman if she comes into my life will simply be there and I will know. I have my moments, but I don’t wallow in those moments.
I need to stop thinking and reading too much into relationships. Come what may is not a bad mantra: Love, be kind, and not judge. I do have a tendency to judge a situation or person too easily. I am probably reading more into something than there is to read. It’s my crazy imagination again. Thus the name of this post, “Persona(fiction?),” because that is my own fictional thoughts and world entering my real life.
Oh my gosh, am I becoming a crazy lesbian?
Nah, I’m an ordained Dudeist Priest, baby!
In all seriousness, just be you and people will love you for who you are and if they don’t then they aren’t people worth having in your life. I have the most awesome friends and kids, and some friends that are like my kids, that I love so much. I’m having the best part of my life right now, and it gets better in life all the time. You start growing up and the world grows around you in all types of ways. But you really have to know love, and know how to love yourself. I’m guessing you are a pretty awesome person to know too.
So, be happy and chill dudes!
Onto other random things…
Good Books in a Good Life…
I just finished reading a very good book. This one was written by a modern day heretic. No, he’s not a heretic, but he has been labeled that by the ‘established’ religion of our time called Christianity. His name is Bishop Carlton Pearson and he has truly been enlightened by God. I loved this book. I’ve gleaned some great talking points and insight. It’s titled, The Gospel of Inclusion. I think everyone should read this book, and as one reviewer, Arun Ghandi, proclaimed, “A book for all sane people to read and digest.” Again, I have to thank my ex, Willow, for buying this book for me to read. She was right – it’s very, very good.
She’s a cool lesbian but has enough dork in her to actually like me.
You realize with thinking comes questions and then comes understanding. God is brilliant. God is not stuffed into a bunch of pages, but God is everywhere and when you continue searching you continue knowing more and more. It really doesn’t stop. I wish I could shake so many people who have ended their quest and tell them, “No! No, it’s just begun! If you still have breath then you still have a brain, and so use it and continue wondering and thinking and asking because that’s when you find truth.”
I love that the Spirit of God lives in me and never stops prodding me forth to know my God more fully every day.
Jesus Christ had a message that has been so lost and fuddled to near extinction. The church we know and religion wrote their doctrines and stamped their creeds and left it to die in the grave of the past. We need to move forward and progress. Tradition does nothing but tells you that you’ve already made it and need look no further, but that is such a horrible lie to tell yourself. God is active. God is alive. He didn’t die thousands of years ago in an ancient text, or on a cross. He spoke, yes, but He also gave a cornerstone to build upon. You don’t ever leave a building to just sit and crumble. You continue to maintain it and add rooms as the family grows and you sometimes knock down walls that are no longer fit and rebuild better walls. You don’t simply let it sit there and fall apart.
Religion is dead. Christ is alive. Churches falter. God’s Spirit has no fault. Who is more worthy to listen to? A dead religion or a living God?
I’ll leave you with these words from, The Gospel of Inclusion. There were so many great quotes and I couldn’t possibly fit them all here on a blog, but I’ll share these last words on why it’s so important for us to preach a gospel of love and not hate. This is a message worth sharing:
For the true Christian, evangelizing should begin with oneself, being born again with each new day, conveying the message of hope, and recreating this world as a place of love, compassion, preservation of beauty, respect for nature and peace; peace and love above all else.
We owe it to God and ourselves to enter a covenant of love with every experience and encounter. The word “neighbor” consists of two English words that mean “near by.” Loving your neighbor means loving everyone and everything you encounter without condition. Everything you experience has love in it somewhere. Each encounter exposes part of the self you must love, because each encounter reveals more of the essence of who you really are. Life is good. Life is God. He does not reside in a church, a Bible, a doctrine, or a sermon. He resides in you and me and every one of us. We are each a church. Christ resides in each of us, if we can find the wisdom to see Him.
(Bishop Carlton Pearson, pg. 209, The Gospel of Inclusion)
Be blessed amigos and peace out! (And the “original” Whitesnake video for your enjoyment.)